Tips for Successful Interfaith Relationships

Interfaith relationships are on the rise in every religion throughout America. Taking on the challenges of a partner's differing religious practices might seem fairly straightforward when the relationship is new and the stars in their eyes are keeping them from seeing obstacles down the road. Discussing everything from how one says their prayers to how the children will be raised are issues that should be addressed before opening the discussion about how you will say "I do".

It's impossible to choose the person you fall in love with. It just happens, regardless of religious beliefs. If it's happened to you and you are willing to work on the issues of how each of you express your faith, then here are some suggestions to consider:

Communication is the greatest tool you have for making any relationship work. Sit down together and talk about it. Just the two of you. There will be plenty of well-meaning friends, relatives, and religious persons eager to give advice. Some will encourage you but don't expect support from everyone. You may lose some friends. Relatives might turn their backs on you. This is something that might never be resolved, no matter how long and happy your relationship is. Be sure that after the honeymoon is over, the loss of support from friends and family won't be a source of resentment.

Keep a journal that your partner can read on a site like LiveJournal. Every time your religion has something to do with your life, make note of it. Every time you pray, every holiday you celebrate, every time you are involved physically or psychologically with a religious activity, jot down any details you feel are important for your partner to know. For example, if there is a certain holiday that is always celebrated at your parents' home, your partner should be made aware of that fact. Besides letting your partner know just how deep your religious feelings run, it will lead to discussions about certain aspects of your faith that they might not understand.

Find the common ground between your faiths rather than focusing on what's different. Make the most of the beliefs you share, even if you have to strip away the outer layers. At the very least, you can agree that spirituality and belief in a power greater than yourselves is the basis for both religions. Accept that what your partner believes is important to them, works for them spiritually and makes them a better person because of it.

Most people really enjoy the holidays, so celebrating and participating in those from two different faiths could be a joyous way to get through the year. A lot of holidays happen to fall around the same time of year, for example, Christmas and Chanukah. If there are overlapping traditions, such as gift giving and a Christmas tree/Chanukah bush, that serves to blend the festivities and make decorating more comfortable for both, especially if the in-laws come to visit. Many families put limits on spending and gift giving, no matter what their religion, so it's perfectly acceptable for couples to agree on giving each other one gift that covers both holidays. The key is agreeing to it before she has squirreled away gifts for every night of Chanukah and he has chosen one gift for Christmas. Avoid hurt feelings by talking about all aspects of the approaching holiday before it arrives. Every year after that, the same tradition can be followed or changes made after a certain aspect didn't go as well as you'd hoped. As time goes on, holidays will be less complicated.

If two holidays that are polar opposites fall at the same time of year, then there will need to be compromises on both sides. If he needs to follow certain dietary guidelines, for example, during Ramadan, she might need to rearrange her eating and cooking habits to support him spiritually. If Thanksgiving falls during the month of Ramadan when he is fasting during the day, they might accept invitations to share Thanksgiving dinner with her family, but arrive when his fast for the day ends. If her family is supportive, they could hold off the meal until the evening instead of having it at their traditional time earlier in the day. These are things that need to be discussed openly and calmly. The idea is not to alienate any part of the family by insisting they wait until the evening, but to bring everyone together in a way that blends different beliefs by compromising and showing good will.

When it comes to rituals that you've been doing most of your lives, it's not a good idea to give them up because of the relationship. Continue them as you always have or one day you might find that resentment has been building up within, perhaps without you realizing it. Instead, leave the ritual in place and give it a little something extra that will include both of you. If she lights candles on Friday night at sunset, he could add a blessing of his own to the ceremony. What once was "hers" is now "theirs". If he stops several times during his day to say a prayer, it would be very supportive of her to do the same, even though her prayers might not be the same as his. It's the sharing and acceptance of the other's beliefs that strengthens the bond more than the act itself. Where possible, the recurring rituals in your lives should somehow include both of you. You'll find that the roots of your faiths become entangled in the most wonderful way.

Just as your relationship is different from anyone else's, the way you blend your religious beliefs is also something very personal. There are no rules and no right ways or wrong ways. Make it up as you go along and do whatever seems most natural and works the best for both of you. Your faith should continue to be a source of comfort and joy, doubled now by a new way to express your beliefs with your partner.