Tips for Successful Step Parenting

Let me be among the first to congratulate you on your new marriage. You are in love again and you want to be a great parent to your spouse's children. But don't kid yourself. Even with the nicest kids you have an uphill battle. Being a step parent is never easy. Here are some essentials to help insure your success.

• You must have the support of your spouse. To the kids you present a unified front. You will have no power at all if the natural parent doesn't make sure the kids know you are both in charge now. They will turn away from you if they don't like your decisions and ask their other parent to confirm to rule. Even if you disagree, support the decision in front of the kids. If you need to discuss it do it in private. Decisions can always be changed so long as you present them as mutually agreed upon.

• Don't come in and take over. You have your way of doing things and they have theirs. Give yourself a 'wait and see' period. Children are creatures of habit. If their way is ok then leave it alone. Even if you think your way is better. Make as few changes as possible, at least for the first year. And when you make then do it slowly. Try different ways of making change and include the children in your thinking. Dictators are never appreciated.

• Comparing you to their natural parent is inevitable. And in all probability you won't match up. Don't compete with that parent. You won't win. Just be yourself and they will adjust to your way in time. This is a good lesson for their lives. Jobs change, bosses change and spouses change. Life is always changing. One good thing can be replaced by another good thing. That's the goal here.

• Remember you are still a parent and not a friend: Many step parents decide that since they are not really a parent the best position is to be a friend. If you don't believe you are a parent why should the kids. These are still children who need to be cared for and raised to be successful adults. If your spouse didn't think you were up to the job then you shouldn't have married. The divorce rate of second marriages is the highest of any - 65%.One of the reasons is conflict with raising small children. Don't become part of the statistic. Talk this out completely before you say 'I do'.

You may find that children who behaved fine with you while you were dating now are putting you to the test. Expect it. It's what children do. They want to see how far they can push before you push back. Don't take it personally. It's a test all parents go through. Welcome to the club.