Tips to Successfully Blend Two Families

Second marriages have a very high divorce rate. According to www.divorcerate.org , it's 60%. There are many reasons for this but one very significant issue is a failed attempt at blending families. Being a step parent is a very difficult task. If you are considering a marriage where children will be in the home and will be parented by your new spouse here are some essentials you need to understand and do in order to make your new family a success.

Don't marry some if you don't trust their judgment

Your new spouse is going to have opinions about how your children should be raised. Most likely they have already made statements about this while you were dating. If you haven't agreed with their input before you marry you won't agree with it after.

You must support your spouse

If you don't trust your spouse's judgment you will have a hard time supporting them during a conflict with your kids. As any parent's should do, you must support your spouse in front of the kids. Disagreements should be done in private. Children will see if they can divide and conquer. There should be no question about whose side you take. You can always come back and change a decision after you have conferred. But the children must see that you support each other's positions and they cannot cause conflicts between you.

Power is given - it does not have to be earned.

Parents naturally have power over their children. This protects children from immature decision making. The natural parent's support of the new step parent gives them that power. Without it they cannot use their maturity to manage the home. Families often make the mistake of believing that the new parent must earn that power by proving themselves somehow. Expect your children to respect your new spouse just because they are one of the adults in the house. Over time they will hopefully do things to show their positive feelings and intentions. A very dangerous situation can exist when teens are permitted to act out as they test the strength of the new relationship.

You favor your kids over mine

It's only natural to have greater feelings for your own kids as a relationship begins. But keep in mind, that's a two way street. Handle your concerns for this away from your children. You have to expect that your new spouse is going to do things differently then you. This is the difficulty of blending families. Letting your spouse know how issues were handled in the past may help. Don't assume that they have any sinister intentions.

Try to be home as much as possible

If you work very late, travel for work, or have a job that keeps you away for weeks at a time you have to have trust in your spouse's judgment and not be a long distance mediator. The more both parents are home the easier it will be for the new family to be created because everyone will be there to work on this daily. But today, many parents are not able to come home every night. The step parent should not have to put issues on hold waiting for your return. Some things can wait but some things can't.

So here's the solution in a nutshell. Marry someone whose judgment you trust and respect, someone you feel will be a good parent to your kids. And then give them your total support. Expect changes about how things are done and if you disagree discuss this in private. Never take a 'middle of the road' position - side with your spouse. Children will always see how far they can push and try to divide you. Don't give them the power to do so. They will feel safer and happier knowing they are not in charge and that they adults in their lives will still keep them safe and protect them.