Tips on How to Survive the Holiday Blues

A lot of people have a love/hate relationship with the holiday season. For years, I was one of those people. On one hand, I've always loved the music, the food, the decorations, the spiritual significance, and the days off from work and school that often come during the holidays. On the other hand, I often hated the financial pressures of buying gifts and the stress associated with spending too much time with my family and other people. It seemed like every year, I'd look forward to the holidays only to be let down afterwards. I'd start off the new year in a depressive funk, wondering what in the world happened to make the "most wonderful time of the year" so horrible. Somehow, the holidays never seemed to live up to the expectations I had formed in my mind about how they should be.

I have a long, unpleasant history with major depressive disorder. Add that to the fact that there are others in my family who suffer from depression and alcoholism and you end up with a potentially explosive environment whenever I got together with my family. It used to be that I would dutifully go home every Christmas to hang out with my parents and my sisters. Inevitably, there would be a fight and I'd wonder why I came. Or worse, I'd start thinking about the things that weren't right in my life as I looked at the things that were going well for my family members and get depressed. It's only been within the last few years that I've started to enjoy the holidays again. Here are a few reasons why the holidays don't make me as blue as they used to.

I no longer expect the holidays to be perfect.

Those of us who watch TV or movies during this time of the year already know how the holiday season is "supposed" to be. The media would have you believe that this is the time of year when miracles happen. This is the time of year when the worst enemies are most expected to let bygones be bygones and become friends. Peace on earth and goodwill toward men is supposed to prevail. Ideally, this is what we'd all like to believe happens when the calendar gets closer to December. But the reality is, December is no different than any other time of the year. Bad things can and do happen during the holiday season. That doesn't mean that I think people should look for bad things to happen during that time; it's just that I don't feel worse because they happen during the holiday season instead of some other time of the year. Likewise, while I make an effort to be happy during the holidays, I don't try to make myself feel worse when I happen to be feeling bad. The lights and the music during the holidays are beautiful, but they don't change the fact that life can be painful, even in December.

I no longer feel obligated to spend a lot of time with my family.

This is a tough one for a lot of people, I know. The holidays are a time of year when people traditionally go home to be with their loved ones. I still visit with my family during the holidays if I don't have other plans. However, now, when a fight starts brewing, I leave before it gets too tense. That may mean that I just walk away from the situation or take a drive in my car. Or, if the fight looks like it's going to be particularly bad, I simply go home. I always make sure I have my own transportation so that I don't get stranded anywhere. If I can afford it and it's practical, I also try to stay in a hotel instead of a relative's house. I learned this lesson the hard way.

My husband's relatives cringe at the thought of us staying in a hotel because they want to offer us hospitality. But I've found that a lot of times, hospitality can end up being more expensive in terms of my mental health than the cost of the hotel bill. Staying in a hotel gives me a sanctuary when things get too stressful. I can go there to decompress, take a nice hot bath in private, have sex with my husband, watch what I want to watch on TV or go to bed early. I don't bother the people I'm visiting and they don't bother me. I can still have a visit, but I'll also have a safe place to go to when I've had enough. Likewise, my hosts have a place to send me when they've had enough!

I don't try to work out interpersonal issues with my family during the holidays.

As I mentioned earlier, some people in my family suffer from depression and alcoholism. When we all get together, we tend to revert to the behavioral patterns of our younger days. For example, I have three sisters who are all quite a bit older than I am. Because I'm much younger than my sisters are, I was raised differently than they were, I also didn't spend as much time with them growing up as they did with each other. Add that to the fact that I'm married and so are two of my three sisters. Our parents and husbands all have their own personalities and issues to add to the mix.

My sisters and I all have strong personalities and because I'm the youngest, they have a tendency to treat me like a twelve year old. Sometimes, that can be hurtful and I'll admit that in the past, I've reacted to it in a less than adult way. Likewise, I'm sure that if you asked them, they'd tell you that I'm not as mature as they are. This is an issue that we ought to work on, of course, but the holidays are not the time to do it. Bad things can and do happen in December. But enough stressful events happen during the holidays that I don't feel the need to add to them by bringing up old issues and airing out dirty laundry. That's something that ought to be done in a less stressful month like March or September. Believe me, if they've been issues for that long, they can wait until a better time to be resolved.

I no longer feel obligated to buy gifts for people who don't live in my household, even if they give me gifts.

This was a hard thing for me to stop doing because I actually enjoy giving people presents. But as the years went by and our family got bigger, I was finding that it was a lot harder and more stressful to maintain the tradition of exchanging gifts with every single person in my family. Like a lot of other Americans, I have too much debt and not enough cash flow. I have found that over the years, the things I buy for other people don't mean as much to them as they do to me. I would spend my hard earned money buying gifts that weren't acknowledged or appreciated. That doesn't mean that I don't give gifts when I feel the spirit to give them. But I no longer feel obligated to buy them just because I feel the need reciprocate when someone sends me a gift or I feel that a gift is expected. I also let my family members know that they aren't obligated to purchase a gift for me. I appreciate a phone call or an email just as much.

I try to focus more on what's going right in my life.

This is another hard thing to do because during the holidays, it's so easy to look back on the year and look at what I didn't accomplish. On the other hand, sometimes it's hard to look at what's gone right. I try to make a conscious effort to maintain a positive outlook on my life, at least during the holiday season. Then after the holidays, I give myself permission to focus on things I need to work on in my life. I'll admit that I sometimes slip into old habits that think about things I'd like to change. But then I try to remind myself that January is the perfect month to work on New Year's resolutions. And if I can't think of something that is going right, I try to take positive steps to make something go right. The holiday season is a great time of year to do something nice for someone else by volunteering time or talent to a cause.

If I'm not the in the mood for a party, I don't go to one.

Let's face it. Holiday parties can be a lot of fun or they can be a colossal drag. Sometimes holiday parties are what my husband calls "mandatory fun" events, especially when they are connected to the work environment. But those types of parties usually aren't so bad because it's often easy to make an appearance and then split. I've come to the realization that if I'm not in the mood to party, my presence is probably not going to help other people spread holiday cheer. Sometimes depression can be contagious, so when I'm feeling blue, I try to do something that will make me feel better. I don't force myself to attend a party unless I'm in a good mood and will be around people that I like and who like me. You may think you'll hurt the host's feelings if you don't put in an appearance, even if you're feeling sad or sick. But trust me, you're much better off staying home if you're in a bad mood. That way, no one can say or do anything to make your mood worse than it already is. Unless you're a party animal or a social butterfly even when you're depressed, you're better off doing something less stressful than attending a party where you might be tempted to drink too much alcohol or have to hang around someone you don't like.

I try to remember H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T. is an acronym often used in Alcoholics Anonymous to remind A.A. members that they should never allow themselves to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired because it can lead to a drink. I will submit that being too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired can also lead to depression. I try to pace myself and balance my activities so that I don't end up feeling too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. That way, it's easier to keep the blues at bay.

I realize that Winter will pass.

In the northern hemisphere, December can be the coldest and darkest time of the year. The shortest day of the year comes at Winter Solstice, which falls on December 22nd. But as cold and dark as December can be, I try to remember that the warmth and light that comes with spring are just around the corner.

Happy Holidays.

I know that some people who read these tips might think I'm some kind of Scrooge. I assure my readers that I'm not a grouch. I've just come to realize that the holidays are just another time of year, albeit a stressful time of year. It's very easy to get swept up in the hype surrounding holiday celebrations, but I've found that if I don't expect things to be perfect, my expectations are often met and even surpassed! In the long run, I end up happier and healthier. In turn, so do the people who have to be around me.

Everyone has their limits. If you find yourself reaching yours during this holiday season, consider taking a short break from the action. Go outside and get some air. Take the time to read a good book or listen to music. Take a hot bath or a power nap. Most importantly, don't let other peoples' expectations of what the holidays are supposed to be push you past your limits. You have a right to enjoy the holidays, just like everyone else.