Tips for Surviving Your Partner's Financial Infidelity

Many marriages have been ripped apart by infidelity, most commonly called "cheating." But wait- isn't the most common cause of divorce money problems? These statements are both true. But what happens when the infidelity is financial, rather than sexual or emotional? The result remains the same. Financial infidelity can kill a marriage by breaking down trust.

-When dealing with financial infidelity, it's important to remember that the partner who is committing the financial infidelity likely has a form of addiction when it comes to money. Whether it be shopping, gambling, going out to eat constantly, or even simply going through money and not being able to explain where it went. Unless the addiction is also addressed, it may become almost impossible for the person to stop the financial infidelity.

-If you're suspecting financial infidelity by your partner, take a look at his or her hobbies and/or spending habits that you are aware of. If you find yourself being unable to see where the money is going, or be able to come to a conclusion about the financial decisions your partner is making, then it's likely he or she is committing financial infidelity. If he or she acts secretive or vague about money, this is usually a warning sign that points toward financial infidelity.

-But actively dealing with financial infidelity is quite another matter in and of itself. Once you've reached the point of suspecting financial infidelity, then comes the matter or confronting your partner and deciding how to handle the situation. It may be left to you to bail the household or your partner out financially. But before you attempt to fix the situation financially, make sure that you and your partner have set down ground-rules in regards to fixing the situation and ensuring that it doesn't happen.

-Dealing with financial infidelity is stressful, it can even damage your relationship beyond repair. When resentments build, lines of communication are broken, a partner continues his or her behavior or refuses to see that there's a problem- this can spell the end of your marriage. It is absolutely imperative that you and your partner seek marital counseling, as well as financial counseling, when trying to repair the damage done by financial infidelity.

-Make sure your partner is receiving the help he or she needs. If he or she is suffering from an addiction- gambling, shopping, etc- then urge him or her to seek help. There are many counseling and therapy programs out there that treat money-related addictions and the emotions behind them. It wouldn't be unreasonable to require that he or she seek help as a condition of continuing your relationship or maintaining joint finances.

-Understand that change doesn't happen overnight. Regardless of whether your partner is dealing with an addiction of some form or has simply made irresponsible financial decisions, it will take time to straighten out your finances and it will take time for you to work through the issues that the financial infidelity has caused your relationship. There may even be setbacks or "relapses." Patience and honest communication are of utmost importance when dealing with financial infidelity and the fall-out that occurs during and afterwards.

-If your partner shows no willingness to seek help or change his or her behavior, then hard decisions must be made. You will need to decide whether or not you are going to continue your relationship with your partner's financial infidelity. There are also the decisions to be made about how to protect yourself and any children from your partner's financial infidelity. This may involve making sure that finances are entirely separate and making it clear that you will not help your partner straighten out debt that he or she makes.

-If your partner is willing to get help and change, then take things one step at a time and make sure there are firm ground-rules in place. Make sure that you have discussed the budget with your partner, make sure you are both held accountable for managing the budget and have an agreed upon limit that you or your partner can spend before needing to discuss it with the other.

-Don't belittle, insult or verbally assault your partner because of the mistakes he or she has made. If you've made the choice to forgive the financial infidelity and try to work on your relationship and finances, then it's counterproductive to constantly blame or remind your partner of the pain and stress he or she has caused. If he or she is truly trying to work on things, then this only makes the stress and guilt worse.

-Do seek counseling for yourself and/or as a couple, especially if you're finding it difficult to maintain civility and honest communication without anger at your partner. If the resentment, anger and hurt are allowed to build up, it begins to color your view of your partner and your relationship with him or her. It's very easy to blame the other person and continue to blame them, even for things that aren't their fault.

-If your partner has committed financial infidelity and you choose to walk away from the relationship, then do so with caution and the help of a good attorney. The last thing you want is more financial woes after financial infidelity, so make sure that you- the innocent spouse- are protected in case of major financial troubles caused by your partner.

While financial infidelity can cause massive damage to your relationship, it doesn't have to destroy it. As long as you and your partner can learn to communicate openly and honestly concerning finances- and all other aspects of your relationship- you will be able to work through the pain and stress of financial infidelity. You can even make your relationship stronger than it was before and better than you ever imagined.