Tips for Talking to Your Parents About Estate Planning

Preplanning a funeral, either through a mortuary or by simply making a plan and setting aside funds, can be a huge gift to your survivors as well as ensuring that the things that matter to you happen. However, most of us don't know how to approach our parents about their plans, since we don't want to consider the fact that they will someday pass on and need to be buried. The process can be eased into, though, and when the time comes to put your plans into action, you'll be able to concentrate on the things that matter rather than whether or not life insurance will even cover the funeral costs.

The first thing you should do is get your own information together. Why? Well, it's always easier to work on something together, and by setting an example, Mom & Dad might be more open. Do you have a will or living will? Durable Medical Power of Attorney? Do you even know what these things are? If not, find a good, simple reference - The Boomer Burden, or even Estate Planning for Dummies (yes, it's a real book) - and read them. This will not only prepare you to get your parents' affairs in shape, it will get you organized as well. Start mentioning your work;if mom calls casually and asks what you've been up to lately, drop comments like "Oh, just checking through things to update our will." That may be enough to open the door to the subject.

Next, you should set an appointment with your siblings. A day when you're all free would be best, but an unhurried evening could do as well. Everyone needs to be on the same page. You may run into resistance here, too, so it's best to be prepared. You may also wish to discuss things like the possibility of assisted living needs as well, even if your parents are in good health. You might be surprised to find that one sibling is highly in favor of skilled nursing assistance while another views the very thought of "strangers caring for our parents" alarming, or more commonly, that nobody has considered the possibility yet. If you feel like it helps, you might even make a written agenda to make sure you don't get caught up in side arguments.

If your siblings can come with you to meet with your parents, that would be great. Everyone needs to reassure your parents that you expect them to be around for a long time, but you'd like to go ahead and at least get an idea of what they'd like to happen when they pass on. Point out that some things may not be sufficient for preparation at today's prices. For instance, social security funeral benefits may be as little as $255 - and some people are in fact ineligible. Cremation, with an urn at cost, for my daughter cost $368 - and the funeral home kindly did not charge for anything but transportation. Markers can be found for about $100, but they are generally designed for temporary use and are extremely basic. Is either parent a veteran who wishes to have the official marker placed? What paperwork is necessary and what post or base would you contact in the event of his or her death? Make a list of things to consider and try your best to keep everyone on track.

If there is simply too much resistance, you might have to shut your meeting down and try again after a couple of weekends. If you do this, see if you can get a sibling to lead the meeting the next time. This reinforces that this is a family concern, and that you have your parents' best interests at heart. Stress that the meeting is not about "who gets what" but rather what sort of funeral and final resting place your parents envision. Would they want a vigil or wake? Do they want flowers at the funeral or donations to their favorite charity? These sorts of things can be absolutely overwhelming when someone dies, and even a rough outline can be helpful. Your parents probably don't want to talk about these things because it does mean they have to acknowledge that they won't be here forever. Keep talking, though, without getting angry, and when the inevitable occurs your family will be able to remember your parents' lives and mourn together.