Tips for Talking About Sex with Your Children

The other day my six year old, yes six, came home very upset and began recounting a story of what had happened to her in the classroom that day with her desk mates. These were young boys, also six, who apparently are much less sheltered than my daughter was until yesterday. She began to tell me that one little boy described seeing his naked sister and the other told how he had caught his parents naked too and in the act of sex.

Now, my daughter has asked questions in the past concerning her own body and I have never shyed away from being completely age appropriately honest with her. However, we have never discussed sex. We talked about good touch and bad touch, how no one has the right to touch her body or see her naked. I never expected to have to broach such a subject with her at such a tender age. Having been caught completely off guard by her inquiry, "Mommy what is sex and it isn't about being naked is it?" I stood in stunned silence for a moment before I answered, "When a man and a woman are married they have sex to show they love one another and to have babies. It's like kissing and hugging." I thought this would be the end of it until she then asked, "But you aren't naked are you?" Great! What do I say and how do I say it?, I thought. I gave her a quick answer of yes and left the room so that I could think and do a little research on how to age appropriately discuss this with her without scarring her for life. I needed a moment to catch my breath and then I prayed.

Basically, for a writer I am not a very good researcher. I can do the research but I hate it and I am very impatient. So after looking for about 30 minutes to no avail. I went to the office and called her in to do her homework and decided to talk with her alone. The conversation went very well and I thought I would share them with other parents who will inevitably struggle with this painfully uncomfortable topic with their children - hopefully when they are much older than six.

First, let your child be your guide.

Ask them questions like do you know what sex means? Are you embarrassed? Why? What would you like to know about it? Answer their questions only and don't offer extra information. This will only take you further down a path you don't want to go and they aren't ready to go down.

Second, only offer the information they ask for and at a level they can understand.

For example - most children ask the famous where do babies come from (I wish that had been the case) - to which you would answer from their mommy's tummy. Then if they ask how they get there, you simply say that the father has a seed and the mommy and egg and they get together and make a baby. For my child this was ample information.

Third, be calm and unashamed or embarrassed even if you have to do some academy award winning acting.

A child's entire life is affected by this pivotal conversation. If you are ashamed or treat sex like its taboo, it will either cause them to feel that way too or become obsessed with it, which will inevitably make them ashamed.

Fourth, be clear to express your personal values when discussing the matter.

In our case, we are conservative Christians who believe sex is between a husband and a wife after they are married. Sex is not ugly or shameful but the way God intended for married couples to share their love for one another and have children together - the ultimate expression of that love. The only way one should feel remorse for having sex is outside of marriage.

Fifth, hug them, kiss them, hold them and let them know that they are not in trouble.

My daughter thought that she might be in trouble for talking about naughty things. I explained to her that talking with her mother about sex or her body was not naughty. However, the two little boys at school were talking naughty and that those conversations are for the home and family only.

Finally, encourage them to come and talk with you more as they feel the need.

Praise them for coming to you in the first place and let them know that you are proud of the courage they had in doing so. I am so glad my daughter felt she could come to me and talk about this topic or any topic for that matter. It's a dialoge that I hope will keep her out of trouble and help her make good choices in the future. It also will ensure that she get her information not from school or the television but from someone who loves her unconditionally and has her best interests at heart. Whenever the subject comes up, be brave and try to do better than your parents did. Each generation should improve upon the next. Our children are precious and deserve straight non-patronizing answers to their honest questions. They deserve to feel good about themselves and their bodies and growing into adulthood. I wish that she had been given a few more years of innocence but I am glad I sucked it up and tackled the issue. You can do it too. When we were done talking she hugged me so tight I thought I would pass out and said, "Thank you mommy. I love you." Believe me that made all the pain and agony well worth it.