Tips for Talking with You Teen About Mental Illness in Your Family

It can seem nearly impossible to talk with your teen about ANYTHING, much less a sensitive issue such as a parent suffering from a mental illness. However, it's important that the matter be addressed to prevent confusion, self-blame, or fear in your son or daughter. Here are some ideas to make the conversation as comfortable and effective as possible.

Ideally, you'll want to choose a time when any issues caused by the mental illness (such as erratic behavior or aggression) aren't immediately present. If everyone is already on edge because of behavior triggered by mental illness, it will just make the conversation that much more difficult.

You'll also want to pick a time when your teen isn't already stressed out or fully engaged in other things such as homework, a phone conversation with a friend, or even a video game. Your teen may resent the interruption, which will set a bad tone from the start.

If you find you aren't comfortable or are unable to find what seems like a "good" time, try making an appointment. This will demonstrate that you respect your teen's time and give him a chance to prepare himself for the upcoming discussion. You don't need to mention that you want to talk about mental illness, rather you can just say there's something you've been thinking about and would like to set aside some time for the two (or three, if your spouse will be involved) of you to discuss it.

You might feel silly doing it, but try asking for the appointment via text message or email. This gives your teen time to process the request and how they want to respond, and prevents her feeling that she's been put on the spot.

The one thing you do NOT want to do is trap your child into the conversation by forcing it on your terms. Parents often feel that bringing something up while in the car is ideal since you are alone together - but that is NOT how your teen will see it! Instead, they'll feel trapped, defensive, and angry at being put into a situation over which they have little or no control.

Once you've set up a time to talk with your teen, it can be helpful to have some ice-breaker materials to make starting the conversation easier. If your teen is reader, check out teenreads.com and search for "mental illness" to find a broad range of fiction books dealing with the issue. A non-fiction book which might be helpful is I'm Not Alone: A Teen's Guide to Living with a Parent Who Has a Mental Illness by Michelle D. Sherman, Ph.D. & DeAnne M. Sherman. Movies are a tougher find, as many of them create fearful, hopeless, or ridiculous portrayals of mentally ill people, but there are several websites that deal tactfully and compassionately with mental illness in the family. A fantastic resource for these kinds of websites is the National Alliance on Mental Illness website, nami.org.

If you plan to and are able to keep your conversation with your teen confidential, make sure you let them know this is the case - but do not lie and promise confidentiality you do not intend to keep. If you want your teen to trust you enough to discuss sensitive issues, you absolutely must follow through on your word.

If your teen is solidly resistant to discussing the issue, it may be time to pass the task on to a professional or a support group. Contact the school guidance counselor or your (or your spouse's) mental illness treatment therapist or doctor for suggestions of groups or counselors in your area who specialize in helping teens deal with mental illness in the family. The National Alliance on Mental Illness, mentioned previously, is also a good resource for finding local support groups for your teen.

No matter how the conversation goes, make sure you stress two very important points to your child. Number one - they are in no way responsible for your spouse's (or your) mental illness, just as they would in no way be responsible if the illness were cancer or diabetes. And number two - that no matter what, they are deeply loved by the parent who is suffering with this illness.