Tips for Teens on Increasing Self Esteem

During the adolescent stage many teens struggle with having a healthy sense of self-esteem. To help understand what type of emotional, social and physical experiences can have an impact on a teen's self esteem and for tips for teens on increasing self-esteem, I have interviewed Dr. Glenn Olds.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

"I am a psychotherapist in private practice in Austin, Texas. Mindfulness-based and body-oriented approaches heavily inform my work with clients. In my practice, I enjoy working with individuals, couples and families. I specialize in working with adolescent/young adult issues such as individuation, relationships, self-esteem, sexual identity, and existential/spiritual issues. I am board member of the Austin Group Psychotherapy Society and facilitate a number of weekly process groups. For more information about my practice you can go to: http://deepeddypsychotherapy.com/glenn-olds-phd.html."

What types of emotional, social or physical experiences can have an impact on a teen's self esteem?

"The development of healthy self-esteem in a teenager rests upon having successfully navigated various developmental challenges in childhood. During the first few years of development the quality of the infant-caregiver bond is crucial. Through physical contact and emotional attunement from the primary caretaker, babies learn to regulate their physiology and emotions. Abuse and/or neglect during this phase are particularly devastating later in life since this kind of trauma is encoded at a primitive, pre-verbal neurological level. During the next phase of development, those parents who are able to set limits and channel the curious, creative and potentially destructive energy of their toddlers will help foster children who are comfortable initiating tasks and asking for what they need. On the other hand, if the toddler is shamed for these impulses they may have difficulty taking risks and feel guilty about expressing their desires later in life.

During the elementary school years, children begin to explore the environment more autonomously, join teams and seek out challenges to test their capabilities. Children that are not given the opportunity to be bold and to explore personal interests or feel ostracized risk developing a sense of inadequacy, isolation or narrow perfectionism. Yet during this time of playful exploration, children are still very much dependent on the family as their primary source of support. Disturbances within the family such as conflict, divorce or the death of a parent can be particularly damaging to a child's self-esteem during this period, and can lead to difficulties in adolescence.

If children receive the support they need during these early phases of development, they will enter adolescence with the self esteem required to begin tackling the primary task of teenage psychological development '" the formation of a positive and congruent personal identity. Teens are preoccupied by questions such "who am I?" "How am I different from my parents?" "Why am I here?" "Where am I going?" If parents are willing to allow children to explore themselves and make mistakes, while reflecting back to them their emerging strengths and interests, positive self-esteem is fostered.

Friendships also provide opportunities for building social skills, receiving feedback about one's self and exploring existential questions. In addition, romantic relationships provide adolescents with an opportunity to explore issues related to sexual identity. Conversely, isolation during these teenage years can lead to a sense of inferiority and social ineptitude."

What are some tips for teens on increasing their self esteem?

"I believe that in order to have a strong and stable self-esteem; you must also have a clear and congruent sense of self. What does it mean to have a sense of self? I find that people with a well developed sense of self have an accurate view of their strengths and their limitations and are able to see both as important parts of a unique and evolving identity. They have questioned their beliefs and have clarity of purpose in life. They are open to experiencing the full range of human affect and perceive these emotional states as part of an integrated whole. On the other hand, people with a poorly formed sense of self typically either have a distorted view of their personal attributes or have self-imposed rules about who they should be with little regard for, or an active avoidance of, who they really are.

There are a number of activities that teenagers can do to help develop a stronger sense of self and thus a higher self esteem.

Get involved in activities with people who share similar interests. People with an overestimation of their negative attributes often withdraw socially to protect themselves from anticipated criticism but in the process they also cut themselves off from opportunities for positive feedback.

Take risks, try new things and learn to be comfortable with making mistakes. People with low self-esteem often hold back from taking risks because of a fear of failure, but in the process end up missing out on discovering hidden strengths and forming new relationships.

Take time to "find" yourself. The life of a teenager can be hectic. Keeping a journal or a meditation/prayer practice can be good ways of setting aside time for one's self to slow down and pay attention to his or her thoughts, emotions, beliefs, fears and hopes for the future. By the time children become teens, they have picked up many messages (explicit or implied) from family, friends and media about who they should be, what they should believe and how they should feel. A contemplative practice can give teens the opportunity to see past all of these "shoulds" and learn about who they truly are.

Seek out a mentor. One of the big challenges for many teenagers is navigating the process of individuation from one's family. Mentors can serve an important function as both an encouraging friend and supportive guide during this transition into adulthood.

What type of professional help is available for teens that have a difficult time increasing their self-esteem?

"The teenage years are a rich and formative time in our lives. Teens are discovering themselves socially, intellectually, occupationally and spiritually. It is a critical time of growth and emotional development before launching into adulthood. Individual counseling provides an excellent environment for this kind of self-discovery and identity development. It offers teens an opportunity to reflect on their experience and to receive support, as well as to learn to express emotions in a healthy, pro-social way. It also gives those who are struggling with low self-esteem a chance to challenge negative and self-defeating beliefs about themselves and to look towards the future with big dreams and realistic goals.

For some teens struggling with low self esteem, family therapy may be the treatment of choice. Children and adolescents are very sensitive to conflict within the family. In cases where there is conflict between parents, they often take on feelings of guilt, anxiety about separation and feelings of helplessness and frustration, all of which can contribute to poor self-esteem. Especially in children and adolescents this low self-esteem can manifest as irritability and destructive behaviors. This in turn, then only acts to increase family conflict further. Family therapy provides an opportunity to intervene in this self-propagating cycle.

I am also a big believer in the power of group therapy. The kind of groups that I run are ongoing interpersonal process groups where people learn to share their thoughts and feelings spontaneously with the other members. The benefits of this type of group are manifold. First there is something very powerful about feeling that one is a valuable part of a larger whole'"particularly for teens. Members feel understood and learn from the experience of the other members. They also have the opportunity to receive honest feedback about how they are perceived by others and take risks to engage with people in new ways. For example, people who repress their anger for fear of driving others away learn to become more assertive and discover that this confidence actually draws people closer. Others who may be reluctant to share their perceived shortcomings for fear of being criticized learn to become more open and discover that this emotional vulnerability actually elicits compassion and connection with the other members.

In summary, the identity that is formed and the self-esteem that is fostered during our teenage years has the potential to set the course for the rest of our lives. It is truly striking to me that so many of my adult clients think back on this period in their lives and comment: "if I had only known then what I know now about myself I would have done things so differently." For this reason, whether in individual, family or group, I believe that therapy during this phase of life is an invaluable resource that has the potential to bear lifelong benefits."

Thank you Dr. Olds for doing the interview on tips for teens on increasing self esteem.

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