Tips for Those Who Hate Halloween

Halloween conjures up visions of spooky costumes and trick-or-treaters. Candy and jack-o'-lanterns. Noises that creak and things that go bump in the night. Dogs that howl in the darkness and a full moon that hides behind a cloud.

Some people love Halloween, while others wish the zombies and vampires would quit walking the streets on Halloween eve and would quietly go rest in their coffins ...er ... I mean ... beds, instead.

For those who hate Halloween and shudder at the thought of creepy-costumed children on the doorstep-not to mention the doorbell ringing incessantly through dinner-here are four ways to make your Halloween even more miserable.

1. Don't Buy Candy Ahead of Time: Rather than going to the store at the beginning of October and buying huge bags of suckers, candy corn, and bubble gum, just forget about it. Then, on Halloween night, raid the cupboards and closets in a panic. Hand out pocket paks of breath strips, old utility bills, eraser dust from your desk drawer, and used Kleenex. The kids will give you dirty looks, thereby increasing your displeasure with Halloween.

2. Carve Your Pumpkin with a Sharp Knife: If forced to participate in the ritual of carving a jack-o'-lantern, use a very sharp knife. Nothing will make you feel better about hating Halloween than a trip to the emergency room for stitches. Just be careful not to make too large a slice in your hand, or you're liable to end up with enough bandages to resemble a mummy. It will totally ruin your holiday-hating mood to have other people lavish praise over your unintended "costume."

3. Leave on the Porch Light: If you leave the porch light on all night long, you'll have trick-or-treaters ringing your doorbell until the cock crows the next morning. Not only will you hate goblins, werewolves and ghosts all the more, but you'll be tired enough to fall asleep at your desk, thereby getting fired from work. And you can blame it all on Halloween.

4. Leave the Candle Burning in the Jack-O'-Lantern: This is the ultimate technique in Halloween dissatisfaction. Leave that little stub of a candle burning inside the pumpkin. Go to bed, and don't give it a second thought, so that when your neighbors call to tell you they see flames shooting through the top of your roof, you can blame it all on the despicable holiday. And should the candle merely burn the inside of the pumpkin, making the whole house smell like burned pumpkin pie, instead ... well ... don't worry. You can always use it as a reason to hate Thanksgiving.

Of course, you're probably smart enough to realize these methods might not be the best or the only way to deal with a dislike for Halloween. Rather than make yourself more miserable, why not do the smart thing? Leave town for the holiday!

Sources:
Personal experience