Tips for Watching the Palin-Biden Vice Presidential Debate

Here are some tips for watching tonight's Vice Presidential debate featuring Republican nominee Sarah Palin and Democratic nominee Joe Biden.

First, let's start with tips for Republicans.

One. Watch the debate with the sound turned all the way down. This is how Sarah Palin claims to watch Tina Fey's portrayal of her on Saturday Night Live. Evidently, this helps. So, if you're a conservative rooting for Sarah Palin, you might wanna gauge your candidate solely on how she looks while she's speaking, maybe while listening to some Christian rock.

Two. Speaking of Christian rock, get on your knees and pray. Sarah Palin says prayer helped her get elected Governor of the State of Alaska. After seeing her perform on the national stage, even us atheists are beginning to believe that might be the case.

Three. If you're going to be in the actual audience in St. Louis, you might wanna hold up signs. No, not political signs that read "Country First" or "Change is Coming," but signs that might really help your candidate out. Maybe a sign that explains what the Bush Doctrine is. Or a sign with a list of fundamental Supreme Court cases and what they're about. Even a simple list of newspapers and magazines would really help Sarah Palin out.

Four. If you're a FOX News commentator, simply do not watch. Later, after your ridiculous commentary, you can always claim plausible deniability. Just like your beloved Bush White House.

Five. And if you're John McCain, please, please, please don't watch this debate. You're too old, and you're not in very good health. You won't be able to take this level of stress. And, by the way, I commend you for handling it so well this far. If I'd have chosen Sarah Palin as my running mate, I would've lost my head after the first Charlie Gibson interview. But you, you've kept relatively calm. But please, don't watch the debate. After all, there is still a chance you might win this election (this is America after all). And if you damage that heart, a Sarah Palin presidency could very well become a reality. And well, frankly, that's far more frightening than a third term of George W. Bush.

As for Democrats planning to watch the debate...

One. Don't drink anything during the debate, especially while Sarah Palin is speaking. It really stings when you get beer or soda up your nose.

Two. Turn the sound up when Sarah Palin's speaking. Don't be afraid. Despite the rumor going around, you don't really become dumber just by listening to her.

Three. If you miss the debate tonight, don't fret. Saturday Night Live will most likely present a word-for-word reenactment of Sarah Palin's answers this Saturday night.