Tips for Working Moms on Managing Mommy Guilt

Let's face it, you've heard what some people say about a mother's decision to work outside of the home. "Why would you have kids just to have someone else take care of them?" or "It doesn't make sense to go to work all day, only to give half of what you make to a babysitter", or the all-dreaded "When I was your age I wouldn't have dreamed of ever being away from my kids." Hearing things like that from well-meaning family and strangers alike can make new moms (and even veteran moms) feel as if they are doing something wrong.

But are you? Is your choice to not be a stay-at-home mom and enter the workforce a purely selfish and detrimental one for your children? Let's look at the upside of being a working mom.

Your children actually benefit from being away from you. I've heard plenty of stay-at-home moms say that because they spend every waking moment (and even lots of sleeping moments) with their young children from the time they are born, when they want or need to get away, it can be a very traumatizing and heart-wrenching event for both mother and child. Children need to develop a sense of self and independence early on, instead of thinking of themselves as just an extension of their parents. Likewise, parents can develop a kind of separation anxiety that will make it difficult for them to cope when their child is not with them. Getting away from each other once in awhile teaches both mother and child that there is a life outside of each other, and even if you have to be apart for a period of time, you will soon be reunited with them.

Your child will not die (and neither will you) if they're left with a babysitter. I remember the first day I went back to work after having my first-born. After I gingerly handed my helpless newborn over to the daycare lady and got back into my car, I realized that I couldn't drive away. "My baby is in there without me," I thought. Would this stranger care for him like I do? Would she know what to do when he cries in that certain way that says, "I'm hot" or "I'm hungry"? Would my baby wonder where his mama went and who this new person is or think that I'd abandoned him? As I forced myself to drive away with tears in my eyes, I looked longingly at the daycare growing smaller in the distance, and the farther away I got, the more my anxiety grew. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt all day at work and couldn't wait to pick him up. But sure enough, when I got to the daycare after work, my baby was happy, healthy and had been well-taken care of. He lived through day one, and so did I, and every day after that was easier than the one before it. If your child is old enough to show physical signs of being upset when you leave (i.e. crying, reaching out for you), that can evoke the worst feelings of guilt, but rest assured that the drama stops as soon as you drive away. For children, the adage "out of sight, out of mind" is very true, and you get a bonus by instilling in your children the idea that you can't be manipulated through guilt.

Your children will better learn to socialize with others in daycare. Kids need to be with other kids in order to learn how to behave appropriately with their peers. That's a fact. Sure, you can (and should) teach them discipline in the home but when it comes to hands-on learning, daycare is the perfect place to apply what you've taught them. There was a period of time when my husband and I worked opposite shifts so we were in a position to keep the kids at home instead of of sending them to daycare. It was a huge money saver, but when the time came to send them back to daycare, I noticed a significant positive difference in my children's behaviors and attitudes. Because they had other children to play with and other influences, they learned better how to interact appropriately with people their own age and it seemed as if their personalities blossomed in a way that maybe they wouldn't have if they'd stayed home around the same people all the time.

You need to socialize with other adults from time to time. I can always tell when I meet a stay-at-home mom, because not only do they constantly talk about their children, they do so in a song-song, almost juvenile manner. It's not because they are dumb, it's just because they talk to their children all day so they get into the habit of addressing everyone like they're speaking to a child. I have a friend who stays at home with her 6 kids all day every day, and when she does get a chance to get away, she always mentions how it feels good to talk to an adult for a change to recalibrate her sanity meter, and to find out what else is going on outside of the mom realm. Going to work everyday will also provide you with a surprisingly much-needed respite and you will actually appreciate going to work more than you ever did before.

You need to establish or retain your own self-identity. Wanting or even needing to step out of the mom role from time to time doesn't make you a bad person, or indicate that you're tired of being a mom. It just means that you need to show yourself that although you are a mom, you're also more than just a mom. You are Becky, you are a lawyer, you are a wife, you love coffee, you speak fluent Japanese, you fill-in-the-blank-here. Too often I think we moms get caught up in trying so hard to be a good mom, to give our kids everything they want and need, that we forget who we really are and where we came from. We need to get out sometimes and hear someone say our name instead of hearing someone yell "Mom!" every 5 seconds.

You need to recharge your battery. Always providing and doing things for everyone in your household can be more of a daunting task than you may realize. It seems as if we're all trying to attain that coveted "Supermom" status. Once I heard a kid being asked, "What's the difference between moms and dads?" The child answered, "Dads go to work and come home, but moms go to work and then come home and work." As moms we are so busy taking care of everyone else, often working 40+ hours a week and then running around doing chores at home, that we too often forget about taking care of ourselves. Taking a break for an hour or two to go to Starbucks or the spa gives you a chance to recharge. There's an old saying that goes, "You can't give water from an empty well." Take time to refill your own well and I guarantee your whole family will benefit.