Tips for Writing a Helpful Condolence Letter

Tips for writing a helpful condolence letter may be just what you need to get you off the block and on to the important if challenging task of communicating with those who have experienced deep personal loss. There are lots of instances when writing a note or letter of condolence seems like the appropriate thing to do. For example possibly you were unable to attend the wake or funeral of someone who has just passed. Ordinarily you would have been there but travel, illness, schedule conflicts made it impossible for you to attend or personally extend comfort to those in mourning.

Or maybe you only heard about the passing of the deceased days or even weeks after it occurred but still feel like you want to connect with grieving family members. Sometimes a condolence letter is sent even by those who attended the funeral because the writer still feels the need to say something additional, perhaps more personal, after the fact when both parties, the writer and the reader, can linger over the words with clearer minds. Whatever your reason for writing , having a few tips for writing a helpful condolence letter may give you a clearer idea of how to complete the task

Perhaps the single most important tip for writing a helpful letter of condolence is to remember that the letter is meant to achieve a goal - it is meant to be of assistance to the person who receives it. While you may be suffering your own loss and can't really keep that out of the letter, the letter for the most part should not be all about you. So before you start your letter take just a few minutes to really think, not about how dreadful you feel or how frightened you are about the prospect of your own demise, but about how the person who will receive your letter is feeling right now, at this very moment. Let that understanding permeate all of what you write. To write a helpful letter of condolence requires connecting immediately and consistently throughout the letter with the feelings and needs of the letter recipient and putting your own needs on hold.

A second tip for writing a helpful condolence letter may allow you to relax as you begin to write. Don't think that there is any right or wrong way to begin, develop or end your letter. There are no magic words that are going to make the deceased come to life or those in mourning forget that they have lost someone near and dear. The best you can do is acknowledge the sorry event of the person's passing and in your own words, simple or lofty, monosyllabic or polysyllabic , folksy or fussy extend some warmth and empathy to the suffering. Write to the person as you would speak if that person were seated beside you. Say the words over in your head before committing them to paper. Do they sound like you? Then you are on the right track. Those in mourning are looking not so much for the right format as for a tone that surrounds them with gentle support coming in a voice they recognize as yours. So put the sample letters away and just go with the words you know and would offer out loud if you could.

Third, when writing a helpful condolence letter that extends beyond a simple, " I'm so sorry for your loss", give consideration to the type of relationship you had with the deceased and the current relationship you have with the person to whom you are writing. If your connection with both is formal or not of longstanding then your words should be to the point but you need not labor to write a four page tome. If your connection however is more personal and spans over many years then of course you will have more to say. In determining the length of your letter of condolence then consider the length and depth of your relationship and extend or limit your remarks accordingly.

Finally, before you begin to write your letter of condolence briefly write down on scrap paper the one thought or memory that you want to leave with the bereaved reader. Perhaps it's an experience that you shared with the deceased, something he told you, or a personal recollection that reveals the nature of he deceased. What treasured memory of the deceased can you share that will be of help to the mourner as he or she reflects on the life that is no more. Then begin to write, acknowledge the death of the deceased and proceed to embrace the mourner with your own words writing as much or as little as you deem appropriate. But don't close any letter of condolence without that special sharing that is at the heart of why you are writing in the first place.

You know before you begin that your letter can not turn back the clock or change the fact that a life has ended. So don't make those your goals. Aim at using your letter of condolence to bestow the gift of a precious memory or insight about the deceased that the bereaved can take into their hearts and minds and reflect on with joy for days and perhaps years to come.