To Catch a Better Mate, Change Your Hunting Patterns

The Break Up
After my first divorce, I went on my way, more angry than unhappy or lonely. I remained single for a few years, thinking that living alone was therapy enough to mend the harm done by my ex-husband's cheating. I was wrong. I wandered from man to man, until I found a new husband who was worse for me than my first husband.

What followed was a nightmarish, physically abusive 12 months that I hope never to repeat in my lifetime. I managed to get away from the abuser, and went to stay in a battered women's residential facility.

The best advice the counselors gave:

First, fix the problem within yourself. Then you will "be" the type of person who is able to attract a healthy relationship.

Wait at least one year after leaving the shelter before having an intimate relationship with someone.

Continue with counseling for at least one year, in order to work out the inner issues that cause you to choose harmful partners.

Change Your Hunting Patterns!
One key element they missed, change your hunting patterns. In other words, if you usually meet men in nightclubs, try "fishing" at athletic or exercise clubs. If you've always done the chasing, wait until someone picks you. If you used to pick bad boys, look for a mate in a spiritual circle of friends!

Breaking old patterns is an easy way to help change your life. Another old habit we need to break is "Looking for Mr. Right".

The myth of the perfect mate

When you stop trying to be the "perfect mate", and stop expecting someone else to be one, then you allow the possibility for a real relationship to develop.

Stereotypes are a double-edged sword, they hurt both the person who is trapped in an unwanted role, and the person who expects the stereotypical behavior.

Some women have been raised to expect a man to come into their life and be: the perfect romantic lover, gentle, compassionate and sensitive; while being a hardworking, physically strong, mentally sharp provider; while being a funny, kind friend and a comfortable companion.

This UberMan is known as "The One", and this poor devil is expected to be everything and its opposite for a woman.

These same unrealistic expectations are demanded of women who are expected to be: sexual sirens in bed; while being patient, kind, loving mothers; while being savvy, ambitious business people; while keeping a perfectly spotless house!

These unrealistic expectations cripple our ability to identify a decent relationship when we're in one. They cause us to chase after the impossible dream of a perfect romantic partner, ignoring the very real and solvable problems of most decent relationships.

The childish expectation that one other human being can fulfill our every need makes us unhappy with what we have, thinking only of what we lack in a relationship.

No one person can satisfy every need we have in our lives. We need a variety of relationships; from friends and family, to acquaintances and business partners.

Just as we wouldn't dream of limiting ourselves to one friend, we should not limit ourselves to one person for emotional companionship.

We would all be much happier if we could disarm this myth, and look to a wider network of friends for companionship. This way, we would have fresh news and views to share with our partner, instead of grinding over the same old ground.

Third Times A Charm
Hold on, there's a happy ending to this story! A man I met before going into the battered women's shelter began asking my friend questions about me.

"Does that cute girl with the long brown hair, you know, the one I met a couple of months ago, need a place to stay?" He needed a roommate and had called the friend who had introduced us.

As it happens, I did need a place to stay, and moved in as his roommate. Three months later we were on our way to becoming much more than just roommates.

We took five years to learn about each other's ways, to start really trusting each other. Finally, we decided to tie the knot.
Although some may say I'm foolhardy, as the old cliché reads: "third time's a charm."

And here we are, 20 years, 3 businesses, and several cats and dogs later, still together and still trying to get it right.