To Spank or Not to Spank: Effective Parenting Tips

Spanking has been dubbed lazy parenting by some, and this is because parents who use spanking as a means of discipline, fail to resolve the behavior using patience and consideration, instead parents who spank, disregard and disrespect the child's emotions by making them feel as though they have misbehaved when it's really the parented who has "mis- parented." In most instances a child never learns from being spanked.

Spanking is not an effective way of parenting it teaches children that problems can only be "resolved" through spanking, it installs fear in a child and "gives them the false perception that once they get bigger they too can spank and hit." Parents often spank their children under stress, out of anger , frustration, or when they posses very limited patience, sometimes parents spank their children because it has been an established, and accepted means of disciplining children in their family for generations; but either way spanking should be avoided.

It's important for parents to realize that most of the time children do not attempt to behave. What parents interpret as acting up can actually be signs of distress in young children. Parents must remember that children are not adults, they are not mature, and therefore often express their feelings, and themselves through whining and other characteristics, presumed unfavorable by parents. To effectively parent and discipline a parent must know the signs of distress in their children and respond to them rightfully, and respectively. Before you discipline check for the signs of distress in your child.

What are the signs of distress?

Fatigue

Overwhelmed, over stimulated

Sick

Boredom

Frustration

Stress

Attention- when not given an adequate amount of attention children will feel neglected, this cry for attention is positive, and not misbehavior.

Children need you to recognize their distress and then comfort and correct their situation. They need to be nurtured, they are looking for patience, and compassion, not spanking, hitting, or yelling.

In some cases children purposely act out with an intention of upsetting the parent, there are four goals of misbehavior;

Attention:

Power

Revenge

To Display inadequacy

This Misbehavior can be stopped without spanking,

Attention: The parent must ignore negative behavior as long as the child is not harming himself others or destroying property. An example of negative behavior for attention would be a child jumping on all the furniture through out the house, of course a parent would not ignore the child by letting him continue to jump but, instead by moving him to another area, and ignoring his behavior until he is able to calm down. (when doing this make sure you can supervise the child) An example of positive behavior for attention would be a child cleaning up his room, quietly reading a book or playing in a room, asking to help you, or politely asking numerous questions, in this case, you want to acknowledge this type of behavior, this lets the child know that he can get attention by behaving properly. Remember not to acknowledge misbehavior this will only influence the child to persist misbehavior only to derive attention from you.

Power: The parent must refuse to give in, "and allow the child to experience the results of her behavior". Power can be negative as well as positive. "Positive power gives a child a feeling of control," this is especially important in building self- esteem, in this case parents must support this type of power. An example of this type of positive power is "a child wanting to feed himself," read a book himself, or even dress himself. Power can also be negative, "negative power will create an aggressive child," an example of negative power would be a child who when told that she can not have something throws things and shouts "Yes I can", or phrases to that extent, in this case parents must not give in, but be firm and consistent. If a parent were to let that child have what she wanted or decided to fight back (arguing), "the child will push for more power, feeling as though she only belongs by being the one in charge." The parent must not support, or acknowledge this behavior. The parent must let the child know who's in charge; the parent could even verbally let the child know by saying "I am the boss." It's important for the child to know her place in regards to power and it should never be above the parents.

Revenge: "The parent must refuse to allow themselves to feel hurt," and vengeful and instead stay respectful towards the child's emotions. Revenge gives the child of feeling the only way to belong is by hurting others. An example of revenge would be a child telling a parent he hates them when he really is upset because he can not play longer, or it can be when a child says he does not want "one parent to tuck him and read a story but instead wants the other parent, leaving the parent feeling hurt These two examples will cause the parent to feel hurt, but showing the child that you are hurt by their words will only encourage them to use revenge as a means of belonging, instead of becoming visibly upset, or even resentful remain compassionate, and gentle with the child, by showing then that you understand their emotions, in the case of the child wanting the other parent , "the parent could say to the child I know that you miss mommy when you see your mommy on the weekend, she will tuck you in, and read a bed time story." Try to establish an open, understanding and trustworthy relationship will enable the parent to respond more sensitively and respectively towards the child.

Display Inadequacy- this behavior can be purposeful, a child like this lacks complete self-esteem and effectively is terribly discouraged, they are heartlessly labeled the "under achievers." In this case a parent may feel annoyed and bitter because the child seems to fail (or quit) at attempting almost everything. A parent must highlight this child's talents to help him/her find confidence. Never say to this type of child, "why can't you be like that or, "Can't you do anything?" words like these will further discourage the child. This type of behavior will take the longest to reverse.

I have followed everything I mentioned in this article, these ideas have allowed me to parent effectively without spanking. My child has her days but I never have to spank, hit, or yell to discipline her, she is very well-behaved. I truly hope that this article was beneficial to you all.

Source;

Don Dinkmeyer, Sr., Gary D. McKay,James S. Dinkmeyer, Don Dinkmeyer Jr., Joyce L.McKay " Parenting Young Children" American Guidance Service ,Inc., Circle Pines, MN Copyright 1997