"TO WOMEN WHO ARE CONSIDERING a 12-STEP PROGRAM"

(As A.A. had a brochure called "Letter to a Woman Alcoholic," I've borrowed the concept, broadened it to be more all-inclusive, and more currently-applicable. Hopefully it will help someone).

Do you think you might have a problem with alcohol and/or drugs, and are considering seeking help in a 12-Step Program? If so, please go into it with your eyes open.

Although various geographical regions refer to it in a variety of terms, there is a common practice known as "Thirteenth-Stepping." What this means is that as a "Newcomer" you are probably shaky, weak, needing someone whom you can trust-- and there are those who will attempt to take advantage of your position. These individuals are usually but not always male, usually but not always older, and usually but not always claim a long number of years of "sobriety." As many areas define it, Thirteenth-Stepping is a matter of preying on "Newbies."

Keeping your eyes open means being alert to that possibility.

Keeping your eyes open also means paying attention to, and adhering to, some basic "ground rules" of the Programs-- some are in the literature, others are simply widespread, and they are equally accurate whether your need is for A.A., N.A., or other 12-Step Programs.

One which is essential that you take seriously is "Men help men, Women help women." While this is a good idea in general, it is absolutely essential for the newcomer.

Second, you may be advised to get a Sponsor. It is in your best interest to know in advance what a Sponsor's role is-- and what it is not. As the books clearly state, a Sponsor is your "guide" through the steps/stepwork. While you must do your part, in realizing that your Sponsor is not someone from whom you can make a practice of borrowing money, asking for favors, imposing at her dinnertable or home, you should also keep the Sponsor's limitations in mind, and choose a different one if it becomes apparent that your Sponsor does not adhere to these limitations. What the Sponsor has to offer to you is the "strength, hope, and experience" of her own sobriety; she does not have the authority to make your life-decisions for you.

Next, there are many people in 12-Step Programs who have serious "issues" of their own that they either cannot or will not address. This often makes itself clear when they attempt to exert undue influence or control over newcomers. Some may attempt to make you dependent on them, even isolated, by telling you that you should not trust anyone else. This not only can sabotage your recovery, it can result in damage to you.

There are also those who present 12-Step Programs, Meetings, and Sponsorship as a "cure-all." The fact is a "Program" will not replace professional help, it will not replace your family, and it will not replace your life. When you attend your first Meetings, you will know if it is the right place for you if the majority of the "sharing" is on the theme of Strength, Hope, and Experience. Some Meetings are little more than a social circle, with "sharing" given to discussing people's marriages, sex life, parents, jobs, etc.; if this is the case, look for a different Meeting.

You can also gauge whether the Meeting is right for you by the attitudes expressed toward Newcomers and the attitudes expressed toward people who do not have substance-dependency issues. A good Meeting will present itself as "listen to what we have to offer," whereas ones that do not have their priorities straight show scorn or disbelief at the idea that someone might not need a "Program."

You may have heard the motto "Stick with the winners!" This is a good point that you should keep in mind. But it's important to know that a "winner" is not simply a label for anyone who has long sobriety; a better way to put it is "You will know them by their walk." A Winner is someone who has, as the books say, "seen the past for what it was, looked it in the face, let it go, and is done with it." That means they have come to terms with what got them to the Program in the first place-- they have, with whatever help necessary, resolved their "old issues," and have begun to stand on their own two feet in their everyday life- meeting daily challenges, doing what needs to be done, asking for help if it is actually necessary, and living life.

A Winner is not someone who is constantly rehashing "the past"-- theirs or anyone else's-- nor one who talks of his or her drinking/using days with fondness, nor those who talk of their lifestyle prior to finding the Program in terms of something they 'had the Right' to do. A Winner is someone who, as the books say, "sees that it was his 'best thinking' that got him here in the first place"-- and some simply do not grow out of those old, negative thoughts and attitudes. A Winner, on the other hand, is one who knows that it was the mistakes he or she made in decades-gone-by that eventually led him or her to need a 12-Step Program-- and has made up for those wrongs, and changed.

If you feel that you could be helped by a 12-Step Program, get the books. If you cannot afford them, borrow from a library. You may not understand every detail, but familiarize yourself with what the Program is all about, and how it is intended to be "worked." That is the best foundation you can have before you enter your first Meeting.