To Women that Lose Weight but Gain Attitude

Congratulations! You've put down the cupcake and the remote, changed your lifestyle, and shed those unwanted tons. You're looking and feeling great! But, wait a minute. What's this now? I'm sensing another change, and this one ain't pretty. I can feel it coming - I'm about to hear one of the dumbest statements a human can utter. Here it comes.......wait for it.......WAIT FOR IT.....

"Did you see him flirting with me? Hmmmph! Well, if he didn't want me when I was fat, then I don't have time for him now."

Uuuuuuhhh.......HUH?! Let me see if I understand. What you mean is, "I was a tub of lard before. I was unhealthy, couldn't run up a flight of stairs without praying, I would sweat profusely, and I smelled oddly like cheese. Any guy who wouldn't want THAT is obviously shallow! So, now that I'm taking care of myself like a real adult with dignity and self-respect, I'm going to take a giant dump all over the men who would dare offer any kind of attention."

Does that about cover it? I suppose you have a point. After all, why should we men care that you might accidentally roll on top of us and crush our molecules into another dimension? Why should it matter that we have to hide the cat every time you have a craving? What does it matter if the paramedics are on speed dial, just in case your heart gives out during "The Price is Right"?

Here, let's put it in language you can understand - MONEY. You like money, right, ladies? It's the shiny stuff that buys you other shiny stuff! So take Bob over there. Wave to the ladies, Bob. See, Bob used to be a lazy slop. He had no job, mooched off all his friends, Visa actually put out a hit on him once, and his credit score was smaller than Kate Moss' dinner bill. Guess how many women gave him the time of day after seeing his '87 Plymouth. Go on, guess TIME'S UP! Answer - zero. Well, there was that one chick, but only because she needed rides to the meth clinic. But, now look at Bob. Go on, look at him. He's wearing a nice suit, drives a suitably dull luxury sedan, and pulls down more than ten of you combined. Needless to say, he is now swimming in it. Now, what if Bob said one day, "Hey man, if all these hot women didn't want me when I lived in a box, why should I bother with them now? I'm going to call that meth-head chick again!"

Don't lie, ladies. It's embarrassing. We all know exactly what you'd say. Just face it - you're shallow and we're shallow. You want someone rich, we want someone hot. The difference is this - men have faced this reality, and we're okay with it. So men win again! Just like always.

I'm just saying.