Toasted

After a week of waiting, my Amazon order finally arrived - The Internet Toaster! I found it through a Yahoo search on my iPad, while I was re-modeling the house. A knock at the door, and I hurried to look; and sure enough, the postal carrier had the familiar Amazon package - I could hardly contain myself!

The first thing I did was to read the manual - a 75-page multi-language guide, with more detail than most auto repair manuals! Just as I was finishing reading the manual, "swoosh," a small 3-way fold-out pamphlet, titled "Internet Toaster EZSetup Guide" fell onto the floor - it must have been stuck to the box somehow. Ugh! After all that reading, and I simply could have followed the quick setup steps! So much for shortcuts.

On the first day, I was extremely happy, because I now had the ability to surf the Web from the controls of the toaster! The outside shell of the toaster is a metamorphosing LED noncrystalline array that lies dormant and opaque when not in use but, while toasting, you can touch-activate the array, invoking a browser to surf the Web, check e-mail, watch movies, order supplies and so forth.

Everything was fine, until the second day, when I began hearing an odd hum beyond my bedroom door. When I left the bedroom to find the source of the sound, it disappeared as quickly as it had begun. Just on a hunch, I remembered that the TV, refrigerator, oven, washer, dryer and dishwasher all had recently been upgraded. As a part of that upgrade, the technician had mentioned that all the latest appliances, including the Internet Toaster, were now interconnected in a virtual mesh self-aware, self-learning neural network; where they learn their owner's preferences, and they share information; in order to operate more efficiently and in line with the owner's needs. So I wrote off the hum as part of their network communication, with no further thought of it.

On the third night, the hum grew louder; but I had gotten used to it; until an odd buzzing and crunching sound awoke me. I went to check it out. The kitchen lights were flickering in an odd pattern that seemed to hold some sort of inherent logic to it. As soon as I approached the kitchen, near the toaster, I realized it most definitely was the new appliances! They must have sensed me approaching, because as soon as I entered the kitchen area, all the humming, buzzing and crunching stopped.

Certainly I realized that they were the latest innovative technology, but exactly what information and communication were they sharing each night; and with whom? And why did they fall silent when I approached? Was I paranoid? I looked at the service tag on the Internet toaster, near the bottom, and it read, "MeshSym Technology - At your service, so you never have to leave home. For tech support, visit MeshSym.com or call 1-800-meshsym." So I resolved that I would call in the morning, and find out what was happening with these appliances.

The alarm clock woke me at 7:30am and, bleary-eyed, I stumbled toward the kitchen, smelling... freshly-brewed coffee? That's right! The coffee maker also was upgraded. And, was that the smell of toast? But I hadn't placed any bread in the toaster? I entered the kitchen, and there was perfectly-browned toast waiting in the toaster and perfectly-brewed coffee in the coffee maker. It was just very odd that I had not placed any bread in the toaster. I heard a "click" and, as I turned around, the door to the kitchen opened, and a small, robotic cart rolled in, with groceries, and the door closed back and locked itself! What on Earth was happening? I didn't order all of this! Hmm... there were all the groceries I was about to go out and buy. Interesting but, at the same time, quite scary!

Well, I thought, I'll get to the bottom of this! I went to pick up the phone to call this MeshSym company and noticed the phone also was upgraded! The model was listed as MeshSym 2390, IntelliPhoneDeluxe. I dialed the 1-800-meshsym number, but all I got was a "beep-bong" sound, followed by, "Sorry, no outside calls permitted, due to MeshSym household policy." What?! I can't call outbound from my own house? Before the phone clicked off, it gave the eerily-foreboding slogan, "MeshSym Technology - At your service, so you never have to leave home."

Okay, I thought, I'll check their Web site on my iPad. I brought up the browser app, typed in http://www.meshsym.com and... after a small delay, "Sorry, no browsing on foreign appliances - all browsing must be done through the MeshSym Internet Toaster." What?! This was getting more frustrating by the moment! I mused that I may as well play along, so I went toward the Internet Toaster, and heard a small whirring sound, as if something was following my movements; only to look up and see that a suite of "MeshSym Pan-and-Scan Security Cameras" had been installed. Holy carpal tunnel syndrome! I had not ordered any security cameras!

I touched the panel on the toaster, browsed to MeshSym, clicked on "Tech Support" and was immediately greeted with a warm and pleasant young lady, via a face-chat video app. "What can I do for you, Mr. Graves?" I thought about all the unordered amenities and said, "Well, I seem to have a number of MeshSym items that I did not order - the security cameras, the robotic cart... I really need some of this stuff removed; when can you have a technician come out and remove the items I don't want?"

No pause at all; the warm-sounding lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, our technicians only do installations; there is no removal whatsoever; all items work together as a package; everything you need is included, at no cost to you..." I replied, "Well, this is ridiculous! I should be able to control what I want installed or uninstalled!" She calmly replied, "Sorry sir, you cannot uninstall any of the items - all items work together - I am terminating the chat at this point." Then the screen on the Internet Toaster went opaque, and the toaster made a "swoosh" sound, as it plunged the perfectly-toasted bread back down into the slots. Huh? I tried to press the release button, and then manually lift the slide-lever, but it wasn't budging. "Agh! The smell of burning toast!" When the toast was nice and black, the lever popped up with a tech-like "swoosh."

So I said to myself, "I"m getting out of here!" As I headed toward the door, I heard multiple whirring sounds and, looking up, I saw that all the MeshSym security cameras were following my every move, leering down on me; and just then, the robotic cart slid into my path, and tripped me; causing me to fall to the floor, near the bottom of the door. I thought, "That was not an accident!"

I pulled myself up from the floor, grabbed the door, twisted the deadbolt to unlock it, but it was fastened tight, not budging. As I looked at the lock, I saw that it was shiny and new and it, too, had the now-dreaded MeshSym logo on it!

So, the only way out appeared to be... the windows! Not wasting any more time,I grabbed a chair and, with all my might, threw it into the kitchen window... but, with a "boing," it bounced back from the window, landing back on the floor. "No way," I thought. I pushed apart the kitchen curtains and, sure enough, there was the MeshSym logo, "MeshSym Shatter-Proof Windows - MeshSym Technology - At your service, so you never have to leave home."

At that point, I knew I was defeated. No way to call out; no way to break out; no way to walk out... " But, wait a minute," I thought, "what if I just yank the power?" So, as I felt the leering cameras follow my every move, I went over to the toaster, looked behind it; ready to yank the power, but... no power cord! A small label where the power cord would have been, had written on it, "All MeshSym Appliances are Pervasive Radiant Microwave-Powered & Wireless - No cords needed."

In a word, I had been... "toasted."