Today I Make Peace with Cellulite

It's been a long, hard battle. One that I have apparently lost. It has taken over my world - or at least my body. So it's time to call off the war, send the troops home and make peace with the enemy, otherwise known as cellulite.

My battle with cellulite began well over 10 years ago. I didn't consider myself out of shape, so it was quite surprising to me when I first noticed a few rather odd indentations on my inner thighs. "Maybe if I don't say anything, no one will notice," I told myself, and that actually seemed to work. But I knew the truth, and I was not having it! Thus began the war.

My first round of ammunition consisted of a treadmill and a weight set. I improved my cardio and toned my arms up a bit, but when I was out of breath and sweating profusely, those little dimples on my thighs just seemed to laugh at me. They also seemed to multiply.

Desperate times called for desperate measures, so I invested in some kind of vacuum thingy that was supposed to gradually vacuum the lumps away and return my legs to the smooth, shapely specimens they had once been. In addition to being extremely noisy, however, this piece of equipment caused me a great deal of pain and some bruising. Since cellulite is much more noticeable when it's black and blue than when its flesh colored, I decided that using a vacuum on my legs was perhaps not in my best interest. So I moved on.

In addition to modifying my diet, drinking more water, exercising, throwing change into every wishing well that I could find and giving my version of a deep tissue massage - to myself - I decided to invest in a cream that was guaranteed to reduce the appearance of cellulite over time. As I massaged myself vigorously, those annoying dimples in my legs almost seemed to say, "Ahhhhhh, that feels good. Thanks!" Which really bothered me. So I tried another cream. And another.

When I recently saw on television that Nivea had two wonderful new cellulite-fighting products on the market - "Good-bye Cellulite" gel and cosmetic patches - I ran to the store to purchase them. They were sold out at Wal-Mart, Target, CVS, Eckerd and Walgreens (yes, I actually went to all of these places). So, I calmed myself down, and decided to check back in a couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks later I proudly stood at the check-out counter of a local drug store with my long-awaited products. I couldn't wait to get home and step up my ammo against cellulite. And when I got them home, I was a happy camper. The gel smelled so fresh and was so soothing that I knew I had made a wise investment. The patches also felt good on my legs, although I was supposed to keep them on for several hours and apply a new one every couple of days.

The patches did not seem to want to cooperate with me at night by staying on my legs while I slept, so I decided to wear them during the day. "Great! These are barely noticeable under my work clothes!" I said to myself one morning after I had put on a knee-length dress before heading to work.

I knew I had a problem when a coworker greeted me later that day in my office with a concerned look on his face. "What happened?" he asked sincerely. "Did you hurt yourself?" Following his eyes, I looked down at my partially exposed thighs and saw the patches. At that moment, I wished I had worn pants to work. Though my dress was knee-length when I stood up, it rose a few inches when I sat down, exposing my patches and forcing me to come up with an explanation.

Since I am not a good liar, I told the truth. "You see," I proceeded to tell him. "I recently started wearing these patches to help me burn fat." As he struggled to hold in his laughter, he managed to ask with a straight face, "Oh really? Have you done some research on these patches? Do they really work?"

"No, I just started wearing them though," I replied, hoping for a segue into an altogether different topic.

Ever since that fairly humiliating incident, I have decided that instead of investing hundreds of dollars, doctor's visits and such to fight cellulite, I will just concentrate on my overall health and well-being. At least that's how I feel right now. At this moment. Check back with me tomorrow...