Today's Mothers - The Work Vs. Stay at Home Debate

When I was growing up in the 80's and 90's everyone was telling me how I could do anything that I wanted to. Parents, teachers, friends of family - the women's movement had seemingly succeeded and now it was time for my generation to do all the things that the previous generations couldn't. We were encouraged to take an interest in science and sports and reminded that it was certainly possible for a woman to be a doctor, astronaut, lawyer or even President. Whatever we could dream, we could do. "What about having a family?", some kids asked. The response was usually somewhat restrained. "Sure, you can have kids but don't you want to be President too?" Our generation was reminded time and time again that having a career did not have to mean giving up a family and having a family did not have to mean giving up a career. We could "have it all" and it would be fabulous.

Our generation was also the first where the majority of us were in childcare outside the home ourselves for at least some of our childhood. There were more divorces, more single-parent families, more cases of parents who HAD to work. Then there were the early entries into the "have it all" lifestyle who were trying to break that glass ceiling and still get dinner on the table every night for their families. Those women discovered something that my generation is just finding out. Having it all is hard and most of the time leaves you feeling like you don't have much of anything. The difference, I think, is that those women were working towards a specific goal. They were the first group out there trying to prove that it could be done. Sure, it was difficult, but once the world got used to the new woman's role everything would be easier, right? Businesses would become more family oriented and help women and men to succeed at work and at home. It was bound to happen; it was a revolution after all.

The reality today is that while some businesses have recognized that offering better family leave options makes employees more likely to come back to work it is still expensive for the employers and hard on the employees as well. Although there are still many people who complain that women still are discriminated against in the business world, some of this is basic math and will never change. Smaller companies simply cannot afford to have integral employees disappear for 3 months or more to have a baby. Women with children are more likely to call out sick because they have to stay home if their child gets sick and cannot go to daycare or school. Women who are pregnant also have the added risk of needing to go on bedrest or ending up with extended stays in the hospital if there are complications. These are all factors that cannot be realistically ignored if you are trying to run a successful company. This means that even when women do obtain high level positions in a company, there is much more pressure on them to try to stay on top. Often they will come to work even when they are feeling sick so that they can save their sick days for when children are ill. They are more pressured to finish everything during the normal work day even if it means working through lunch or coming in early because they need to pick up their children from childcare before the center closes or they have to attend parent-teacher conferences or any of the other things that come along with having children and don't always wait until after 7pm to start.

Yes, of course, the father could handle some of these responsibilities and today many more fathers do take a more active role in the responsibilities of parenting, but statistically women still handle the majority of child related duties. Many times it is not because the fathers don't want to help, but because the mothers simply want to be there for all of the major events (or even minor ones) in their child's life. As a result, even after the full day at work most working mothers still come home, make dinner, help their children with homework and put them to bed. This is not to say that the fathers do not help with these activities, but that the mother still is taking part as well and often is doing the majority of the work. That means that there is very little time left for maintaining a solid relationship between spouses and even less time for trying to relax individually or participate in community activities.

Why is it that "having it all" so often means running frantically from one thing to the next and never being able to enjoy any of it? Is this what our mothers and grandmothers really fought for? In the last decade there has been a marked increase in the number of stay at home moms. The majority of women still work, but if you ask many will tell you that they would like to stay home, but they just don't know how to afford it. However, the ones who say that they would like to stay home are careful about who they reveal that to. Too often, young women today are ostracized if they suggest that they would like to stay at home and focus on their family instead of work. It is seen as an affront to the generations past who fought so that we could have equal rights. If our rights were truly equal however, then wouldn't the perfect affirmation to that be a woman's right to choosewhatever path for her life that she wanted without feeling pressured one way or the other? After all, we were told that we could do whatever we wanted to and be whatever we wanted to be when we grew up...

Today's stay at home mom's too often feel embarassed to tell people that they do not have a career. Many times these are college educated women who did well in their chosen fields before having children, but simply decided once they had children to not try to divide their time and energy. However, when asked the casual question, "So what do you do?" they feel ashamed to say that they are not currently working outside the home. Why is this something to be ashamed of? Why do some people assume that if you are not in a career you are lazy or uneducated? When did we start thinking that if you were not contributing a salary then you were not contributing to your family? The truth is that if you ask most of these women (and their husbands) they will tell you that they are making a large contribution to the family. The time that they can spend with their children and their husband is very valuable to them. Not only that, but childcare costs are very expensive. Many people assume that they could not live on only one salary, but if you deduct childcare expenses, commuting expenses, professional clothing and the higher tax levels paid by two income families, many times the surprising fact is that the second income is actually losing them money each year.

I would never tell someone that they were wrong for being a working mother. I think that a happy mother leads to happy kids. You should do what makes you happy. By the same token though, if you are happier and more relaxed spending your days taking care of your family without the added pressures of a career then nobody should tell you that your way is wrong either. Being a stay at home mom is hard work. Your job is 24/7 with no holidays or sick days. When you need to run errands you cannot drop your kids off at daycare and do your errands on your lunch hour. They come with you everywhere. The days are sometimes boring and other times so hectic that you make it 7pm and suddenly realize that you haven't eaten yet. There is a financial consequence. There will probably be fewer vacations and fewer new outfits and you may have to make do without the plasma tv. But there are lots of positives too. You are the one who is there to watch your child as they figure things out for the first time. You are there to see all of their firsts and share in their excited laughter when they manage to finally put the round peg in the round hole or take those first steps. You get more time with your spouse too because you only have to worry about one person's work schedule causing conflicts. If your husband takes the day off then you know you will be able to spend that time, without worrying about whether or not you will have your request for time off approved as well.

I believe the day that women really have it all will be the day that they are free to really decide what is best for themselves and not worry about how the rest of the world will perceive them. What will our generation teach our kids? I hope that we will tell them that they can make their own choices and that they can do whatever they want, but remind them that if they want to have a career and a family it will be a challenge. Can they "have it all"? Sure, but if they don't want to...that's okay too.