Toddler and Baby: A Winning Combination

People often express misgiving when they have one child about when it is a good time to have a second one. At what age will the first child best make the transition to a multi-kid family? What is a good age for the first one to be so that having two in the home is the easiest to handle? Often, the next feeling to be expressed goes something like "I can't imagine having a toddler and a baby." I have readily agreed with this apprehension, having only one kid myself. She's a two-year-old and while not the most demanding of toddlers, she is active and attention-loving and takes it for granted that Mom and Dad revolve around her. I remember when she was a baby and how much time and energy she required. And I've found that back then was easy and it's only getting harder and requiring more of me as she grows. The idea of going back to the rigors of infant care while still fulfilling the increasing needs of my daughter has been daunting.

Until recently, I have been glad I had only the one kid, and happy to put off the question of when to have another for a while. But my husband has been working two jobs for the last several months and so in an effort to help ease financial strain I took in a three-month-old to care for full-time. I was banking on how manageable my daughter is as my security for what I was getting myself into. And so far, she has cooperated beautifully. The baby boy she and I have with us each day is also extremely happy-go-lucky, so I have to admit I have a pretty pleasant duo in my home and count myself fortunate. I am sure that if she was sitting on him and he was screaming in her ears constantly, things would not be going as swimmingly as they are.

But with things going so well, I've had a chance to evaluate the situation and I've seen a lot of positives I didn't expect from the combination of a toddler and an infant in the home. I've come to be really glad that these two have each other and am looking forward to helping them bond and form a strong friendship based on having one another around during the week for play, comfort, communication, entertainment, and engagement.

For starters, Nicholas is fascinated with Gomer. He can't get enough of watching her. And her voice is the most attention-grabbing thing in his environment when he's with us. He loves to hear her sing and laugh and talk. He loves to watch her move. Lately as he's gotten more familiar with her, he lights up when she pays attention to him. He beams when she talks to him, and his eyes get huge with enthusiasm when she gets close to his face and touches him and cuddles him. I had no idea my two-year-old, who still needs important stimulation and education herself, could provide so much vivid experience for an infant. You know, with a baby you can just hear the clicking in their heads as they watch or hear or feel things that are stimulating in some way. And somehow, Gomer is not just another person giving him attention and affection and language exposure and playtime. She's on a different level to him than an adult is on. She gives him something different than what grown-ups give him. Maybe because she's more like him than an adult is. Maybe he can get her a little better, or anticipate being like her soon. Maybe she stimulates his sense of ambition. Or maybe just the fact that she's different from the many adults in his life makes her extra special. I intended to provide Nicholas with all the nurturing and developing stimulation I can while he's in my care. I did not count on my daughter contributing her own beneficial degree of it for him. I always felt sorry for all of the babies who don't get to be the first baby in a family, because they don't get all of the one-on-one attention and nurturing that an only baby gets. But now I kind of feel sorry for my daughter, because all she had was a bunch of grown-ups to interact with when she was a baby.

As for Gomer, she has benefited from Nicholas as well. I really thought the main experience she would get from him is learning what babies are, getting to "help" out with him, and getting prepared to have her own baby brother or sister in the family someday. But as I've watched her get used to having him around and learn how to behave with him, I've been struck with what a valuable contribution he's making to her development as a person. The best benefit I've seen so far is that she's learning how to consider others, namely, Nicholas, over herself. The way a three-month-old plays is so strikingly different from the way a two-year-old plays that I didn't expect her to voluntarily play with him much. But she plays with him more each day. I figured his baby toys would bore her, sharing would irritate her, and his slow reaction and many inabilities would quickly drive her on to some more invigorating, baby-free activity. But she has learned to watch for the responses he is able to give her (a smile, grasping a toy she holds out for him, a gurgle, looking her in the eyes) and find joy in doing the few basic things that will elicit those responses. She puts her own interests in play aside and plays at his level in order to connect with him. It isn't the play that she enjoys, it's the interaction. She, as a two-year-old, is striving to communicate and bond and relate to someone from a different world than her own. I've been so proud of her.

She's also learned to understand someone else's need for comfort. When Nick cries, she surprises me with how quick she is to assess the situation and inform me of what she thinks is wrong with him. She is always right. She's paid attention along with me and we've both learned to read his signals. She knows as well as I do when something is making him uncomfortable ("His head has moved off of his blanket and is on the cold floor"), when he is needing connection ("He wants you to hold him"), when he is upset about something ("He spit out his pacifier"). She's genuinely concerned when he cries and wants to figure out how to help him and make sure he gets what he needs. She's also quick to give him hugs and kisses and tell him it's okay and whisper "shhhhh" gently in his ear to help soothe him when he's fussy.

I've furthermore been thrilled to watch her develop a unique affection for him. I guess even the smallest of females can't resist the charms of a baby. She is starting to exhibit all of the "he's so cute I can't stand it!" sentiment I see in full-grown women. She will hold him on her lap, and as soon as she decides she's done and I pick him up, she wants him back to cuddle a little more. She's drawn to him a little more each day, wanting to be close to him, to inspect every cute little hand and foot and catch every smile and twinkle of his eyes. The tender feelings she has for him are not like the ones she has for her parents or her friends or other important grown-ups in her life. She realizes he is something to be cherished, something to get close to and really indulge in, something to cuddle and bliss out over. It's been fun to illustrate her growing understanding of babies with details of what she was like as a baby. What she enjoyed to do, what made her giggle, noises she liked to make, toys she loved to play with, things that made her cry.

It's been my treat to see them develop a sense of one another. To learn to be in tune with each other and find a relationship together. I'm looking forward to that growing as Nicholas gets older and is able to interact with her in more ways. I can't wait for her to help teach him to use baby signs. To hear her cheer him on as he tries to stand up and walk. I can picture them playing together in the backyard in her playhouse. I can picture them when he's crawling and knows how to venture into her room and play toys with her. And all along she's learning how to share her life with him as well as her things and her mommy. To treat him with consideration. To know what his needs are and behave carefully with him so that he is comfortable and enjoys what they do together.

I am really happy that I have a daughter to provide Nicholas with an extra, unanticipated benefit while I'm caring for him. And I'm so proud of Gomer for getting involved with Nick and learning to appreciate him. It's turning out to be a really good arrangement for us all. We are having lots of fun, and I have no qualms about adding a baby of our own to the family when we are ready. I think the dynamics of a family are what you make them, largely. Lots of people do have a toddler and a baby at the same time and seem to have a hair-pulling time of it. But I don't think it has to be so difficult. If you're afraid certain things won't go well, they just might be like that. But if you look for the positives and strive to bring them out, the situation will be better than you anticipated. So put aside your fears, approach the specifics of your family eager to find the particular benefits in what you have, and shut out the typical negative white noise that society infiltrates into our concept of children and family. Adding an infant to your toddler-oriented family does mean extra work and making many adjustments. But there's a lot of good for both kids in the mix. So if this is the structure of your family, or if it's the age placement that you plan on, do it fearlessly. It isn't the only good set up for a multi-kid home, but it is a good one.