'Toddlers & Tiaras' Season 5 Episode 3: Eyebrow Waxing, Duct Tape and the Future Miss America

"Toddlers & Tiaras" season 5 week 3 aired January 12th on TLC. The episode featured wanna-be beauty queens SamiJo, Jaclynn and Alexis as they prepared for and took part in Oklahoma City's Fancy Faces pageant. Were there tantrums, diva moments and victory celebrations? Read on for the full scoop.

Mr. Todd, the Fancy Faces coordinator, introduced his big shindig by claiming that they hoped to see lots of "glitz" from girls in all age categories. Riiight.

Up next, we met Tricia, mother of 15-month old SamiJo. Tricia said that the reason she wanted to have a girl was to grrom her into Miss America. (In fact, she said she even wanted to name her America.) She called her daughter "everything you could ever dream about a pageant girl". No screws loose there at all.

But move over SamiJo: Jaclynn's in da house, too. (And perhaps more frighteningly, her stepmom Kim is there, too, with wide eyes and an ever-so-slightly overly enthused personality.) Kim called her kinfolk "a great pageant family" and said that the Fancy Faces would be Jaclynn (4)'s first Glitz pageant.

The third little diva of "Toddlers & Tiaras" season 5 week 3 was the ambitious Alexis, age 5. Mom Nicole started her daughter out in pageants at 6 months of age, and claimed that Alexis loves to be "the center of attention". Nicole said she hoped that pageant exposure would help land her a career in acting or modeling.

Before watching SamiJo go through her pageant practice, we learned that the family lives on a turtle farm. (Yes. Tricia called it a "cattle farm but with reptiles".) Then SamiJo did her thing. Since she's 15 months old, it wasn't terribly exciting. Sorry. Up next, Alexis went through her practice maneuvers with her parents. She threw a tantrum when her mom told her that she wasn't going to be doing a talent. Nicole actually threatened her with a time-out. Awesome! Of course, she went on to curse and exclaim that she didn't "want that on national television" when Alexis acted out again. Oh, the sweetness of irony.

Back at Jaclynn's house, she worked with her stepmom and step-sister Mercedes on her pageant prep. She pranced around in her little pigtails and was almost cute. From there, we watched as SamiJo and mom met with Mrs. Oklahoma to do a little shopping. The astute (and apparently intelligent) beauty queen asserted that she wanted her own daughter to make her own decisions, so she would never put her in a pageant. Ah, more sweet irony.

"Toddlers & Tiaras" season 5 week 3 continued on with Alexis at the eyebrow bar. Nicole looked on as Jessica waxed away her daughter's "unibrow". Egads. Really? Waxing a child's eyebrows? Children are supposed to have funky looking eyebrows, for corn's sake.

But wait: More craziness for SamiJo. Not only did she get a spray tan, but her mom also mulled the idea of fake nails. On her 15-month old. It's almost too much. Oh wait. It's definitely too much. Where do they find these people?

Back at Jaclynn's house, the family prepared to head to the Fancy Faces pageant. We met one of her favorite toys, a disabled doll named Arnold who rides in a wheelchair. There are no words.

With the prep time over, it was pageant-time. Coordinator Todd said that he loves "watching Jaclynn up-close" and called Alexis' pageant future "promising". Kim and Mercedes fixed Jacynn's hair and make-up, insisting that she "wants to be glamorized" and that "beauty takes patience". In SamiJo-land, mom Tricia was ready to get moving. They duct-taped her dress to her, and applied mascara to her tiny eyelashes. (Yes, seriously.) In Alexis' room, the contestant was still ambivalent about her talent. She flipped out when she saw the fake eyelashes, and begged that they not make her wear them. Nicole likened her to a "movie star" as her daughter cried and resisted the falsies. (How are these people not arrested?)

A judge asserted that she'd be looking for "personality" in the contestants. And SamiJo showed some personality in the beauty-wear category, much to her mom's chagrin. (I snickered. A lot.) She attempted to tumble and generally annoyed Tricia. Yeah, so for anyone keeping records, she acted like a 15-month old.

Jaclynn was up next in her foofy baby blue dress. Kim was pleased with her performance and watched in great excitement from the audience. (Arnold also approved.) Alexis came next and wandered across the stage like they all do.

With beauty down, the contestants donned their Fancy Wear for round 2 on "Toddlers & Tiaras" season 5 week 3. SamiJo was up again in a little pink dress, and was again "off her game" per mom. (She acted like a 15-month old. Oh no. How unexpected.) Jaclynn did a little better. (And stepmom Kim scared the heck out of me doing her routine in the audience.) Todd made a final call for 4 and 5-year old contestants, and oh no! Alexis and the rest of her Egyptian posse were late and subject to a deduction in score. When she finally showed and performed, a judge had harsh words, saying she needs to be on time and to "have more smiles".

With the Talent portion of the competition on tap, SamiJo's mom confessed to being "very competitive". (Duh.) She did a spin in her 50s wear and then tried to run off the stage. (Methinks she's not interested in pageants, mom.) Up next, Jaclynn began her talent by falling off a chair. It was awkward. And a little weird to see scary stepmom dancing like a fool in the audience. (And Arnold. He was dancing, too.) Alexis finished the round with a throaty rendition of Mary Had a Little Lamb followed by some cartwheels. Nicole just shook her head.

With all of the competition down, it was time to hand out some crowns on "Toddlers & Tiaras" season 5 week 3. Shockingly, SamiJo won the Talent competition for her age group. (The others must've bee really awful. Or the judges are all smoking something.) Odd things happened yet again when SamiJo won the Fancy Wear category, too. She also won the first runner up title in her age group. So that's it for the really young victims. Er, contestants.

In the 4 to 5 year category, Alexis and Jaclynn both took the stage. Alexis took third runner-up, while Jaclynn walked away with first runner-up. So no Grand Supreme this week, folks.

So that's it for "Toddlers & Tiaras" (and their nutty parents). Tune in next week for more madness.