Toilet Paper - Questions to Ponder

In my house, my husband does all the grocery shopping because sending me to shop is just a bad idea. He sent me to the store the other day to buy a 4-pack of toilet paper. I stood in the aisle staring at the multitude of choices given to me. Do I get white or.....white? 1-ply or 2-ply? Soft or scratchy? Skimpy rolls or monster ones? Do I go for the sale item or buy the expensive stuff? As my mind started to wander, I found myself deep in thought over some questions I had about the almighty toilet paper:

PATTERNS
Why do we need patterned toilet paper? Do they really think our bums can tell the difference between swirls and quilted designs? Actually, I think mine prefers the plaid pattern. Hmmm, I wonder where I can find that.

COLORS
I never see colored toilet paper in the grocery store anymore but my grandmother always seems to have a roll of either Goldenrod (that is Yellow for all you nimrods) or Rose (again for you nimrods, this is Pink). Where the heck does she get it? Did she hoard all of the colored toilet paper back in the 70s and keep it locked away in the dark recesses of one of her closets?

This leads me to -

TEXTURE
Does toilet paper go stale? It's all soft, supple and cushy on your bottom when you first buy it (remember "Don't Squeeze the Charmin") but can it get dry, rough and crunchy on your bum if you keep it too long? Is that why old people have those ugly crocheted toilet paper covers over a roll, sitting on the back of the toilet? Is that a softness-keeper or something?

SCENT
What the heck is up with the scent? I know companies don't market the scent of toilet paper but most toilet paper does have a pleasant one. It's just too bad it doesn't make my smelly bottom fresh! Someone told me that people's sensitive fragrance allergies keep the manufacturers from marketing this feature. I have a hard time believing that our bums are that sensitive.

SIZE
Now they make those big fat rolls that tout "4 times bigger" but they won't fit on a standard toilet paper holder. What's the point in that if you can't make it fit?

I went online to find the answers to my questions. I didn't quite find them but I did find some interesting facts. Did you know that the average American uses over 100 rolls of toilet paper, that's about 21,000 sheets, each year? It is estimated that a single roll lasts about 5 days. Unless you are a teenager - they use 100 times that amount toilet papering their friends' houses.

The history of what was used before the invention of toilet paper is somewhat amazing. The Romans used L-shaped sticks made from wood or metal to reach "back there", sponges attached to sticks soaked in salt water were used in their public restrooms. Through the centuries, there were many different items used such as stones, mussel shells, and yes, even corn cobs. Ouch! That had to hurt.

When paper started becoming available, it replaced these other materials. People would use old letters, book pages, magazines, newspapers, catalogs, paper bags, envelopes and any other scrap of paper they could find, thread the sheets of paper on a string, and hang them in the outhouse for use. That's a far cry from the flower-scented, soft and subtle toilet paper that we use today.

I just can't get over all of these questions and information. So I am going to the bathroom now to try out the 20 different types of toilet paper I ended up buying and contemplate this mystery.