Tonga and Samoa Declare War; Decide to Duke it Out

The South Pacific nations of Tonga and Samoa, after months of escalating tensions, have finally declared war on each other, and have agreed to settle the conflict with fisticuffs. The prime ministers of both countries, in a joint communiqué, expressed concern over the rampant militarism throughout the globe, and while acknowledging that conflict is inevitable in a multi-cultural world, decided fists would be their weapons of choice.

"This is how we always settled things when we were kids," said the Tongan representative, "and nobody got killed. Besides, those fat Samoans need a good ass-kicking."

The Samoan representative was equally convinced of the wisdom of the approach.

"My esteemed colleague is correct," he said, while glaring across a conference table at his counterpart, "and we proud Samoans look forward to the resolution of these issues coming from a couple of ugly Tongans lying on the sand, unconscious."

There followed a spirited set-to featuring the two spokesmen, with the Samoan pummeling the gentleman from Tonga, and finally sitting on his head.

It was agreed that five representatives from each country would journey to Fiji for the actual conduct of the war, which will involve each man stripping to the waist, engaging in five minutes of vile, personal, and ethnic insult, followed by fist fighting until a victor is determined.

In recent weeks, the outbreak of war had been seen as likely, due to several minor incidents that had escalated in meaning and led to the break-off of diplomatic relations between the two nations, which had only consisted of a couple of Christmas cards and one little barbeque, anyway.

In July, the Tongan trade minister, during a visit to Samoa on personal business, was accosted in a restaurant by another diner, who glanced at the minister's luncheon plate and remarked, "You call that eating? You stupid sand dollar." The Tongan rose from his chair, but further violence was averted by the fact that sometime during the meal someone had tied his leg to the table.

Then, last week, in apparent retaliation, a Samoan sumo arrived at a Tongan buffet, and after being refused service, promptly ate every piece of fish in the restaurant, including several that were swimming in a large tank in the center of the dining room.

The war is scheduled for August 26, 27 and 28, with formal surrenders and declarations of victory coming immediately thereafter, including a detailed timetable for reparations and a victory parade.