Tongue-In-Cheek Labor Day Safety Tips

Labor Day is fast approaching; just ask any child who knows that school is right around the corner. This particular holiday signals the ending of summer and many people will try to get in a few last summer activities before autumn and winter sweep in and take the warm, sunny days away. At least, those of us living in northern states will have the warmth taken away from us. It probably isn't as much of an issue for anyone residing in areas such as: Arizona, Florida, or Southern California. Of course, this doesn't mean your average Floridian is likely to pass on the opportunity to enjoy a four-day weekend like the rest of us!

As with any celebrating, there are bound to be some pitfalls along the way. Accidents happen. If they didn't, fire departments and EMT's would most likely be found in the unemployment lines. But not on Labor Day, because governmental offices are closed! What we need to do is figure out what kind of accidents can happen to you and what can be done about them.

Let's be blatantly honest here -- most of the accidents that are going to happen on Labor Day can be attributed to alcohol. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. When people consume alcohol in vast quantities, as is prone to happen on this particular holiday, they do dumb stuff. Whereas a sober person might say "Nope, I am not going to try and jump over that bonfire," a drunken guy (yes, the specification of gender is fully intentional) will say "Heck yeah I can clear it." And this leads back to why firemen and EMT's have jobs.

Okay, let's get down to the tips...

Tip #1: "Do not drink to the point where you consider jumping over fires." Should be a pretty easy one to follow unless you are either a relative of Evil Knievel or have appeared on the MTV show "Jackass."

Tip #2: "Do not use more than one full bottle of lighter fluid." The guy who shows up on work with no eyebrows? Yeah, you don't want to be him. It's more fun to be the guy laughing at him.

Tip #3 "Do not drive a: car, boat, goat, etc. if you have been drinking." If you are going to be in control of something moving, please be sober. There is nothing funny about drunk driving. Be smart.

Tip #4: "Without using too much lighter fluid (see Tip #2), make sure your food is properly cooked." Singing your eyebrows and getting laughed at by the people at work is at least a memorable story. "I threw up my entire intestinal system and felt like I had the bubonic plague" is not nearly as cool. If you are having a pig roast, unless you mess it up real bad, you should be safe. If you are throwing some pork chops on the grill, make sure they are thoroughly cooked.

Tip #5: "If you have been drinking heavily and want to get romantic with the girl at the end of the bar, the one who is all alone as house lights are going on, make sure you use protection." This safety is for you, her, and the potential unborn child who doesn't want his/her birth story to be "Well, my mom hooked up with some idiot... sorry Dad... on Labor Day and, nine months later, there I was." So for the sake of the child you don't have yet, please wrap it up.

If you haven't picked up on the theme, avoid the heavy boozing on Labor Day weekend. A little boozing, okay. Drunk as a not-quite 21 year old Hollywood actress boozing, not so good. So keep the drinking in a reasonable amount, make sure you grill your food properly and, most importantly, go easy on the lighter fluid there, Fireman Jim.