Too Good to Be False

Let's play a game.

Let's just stop for a minute. Cause we need a break. If you're like me, you try to keep up with the news. And if you're at all like me, you've spent way too much time over the last few weeks questioning your own hearing, if not your own sanity. You hear something on the news, and the sheer weight of hammering nonsense hits you between the shoulder blades. It breaks down your motor control. You lock up. You stand, rooted, staring at the TV, mouthing the words, "Oh no, he didn't" or "She did NOT say that."

So let's play a game. Here's how it works. For each actual news item below, I've listed some intensely stupid scenarios. Your job is to digest the digests and try to pick out the one that, staggeringly stupid or not, actually happened.

LEGAL DISCLAIMERS

You should not take this quiz while operating heavy machinery. There is some seriously stupid stuff here. Especially the parts that are true.

You should not focus on this quiz for more than a few minutes at a time. Prolonged exposure to this much stupidity could result in an irrepressible desire to start writing television sitcoms.

Ready? Let's begin.

US Politics: Economy

Facing benefit cuts, thousands of unionized surgeons in Wisconsin went on strike, refusing to perform life-saving operations. However, in their defense, many of them walked around a lot, holding up signs saying "I'm only doing this because I 'heart' my patients so much." Meanwhile, thousands of their patients died. But that's okay; after all, the patientsweren't even in a union!

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To avoid voting on budget proposals that could take away jobs, especially their own jobs, one of the political parties in the Wisconsin legislature ran away, to hide in a hotel in another state. Just ... ran away. During a recorded interview, one of those adults who ran away to hide in a hotel insisted that, by running away and hiding in a hotel, he was "standing up for the people."

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Wisconsin's Governor passed an emergency resolution requiring that nobody be allowed to loiter in the Capitol Rotunda unless they were, in fact, rotund.

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The Academy Awards

Both of this year's "Best Supporting" winners showed their gratitude, and their elegant, timeless Tinseltown style, by cursing in front of a billion viewers on live TV.

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James Traficant, the former Ohio Congressman, was honored in a "lifetime achievement" award when his hairstyle was retroactively awarded an Oscar for Best Special Effect In A Horror Movie.

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In a real nail-biter, Mel Gibson's temper narrowly edged out Joan Crawford's temper for Best Short Subject.

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As in previous years, Woody Allen refused to appear at Hollywood's top gala. And as in previous years, nobody much cared.

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US Culture

A citizen of San Francisco circulated a petition to ban circumcisions in the Bay Area. (I guess we should've seen that coming, once they outlawed Happy Meals.) We say "citizen" because, frankly, we couldn't tell which of Frisco's six available genders this particular meddler had selected. There was facial hair present, but these days, that doesn't rule out much except, maybe, mollusks.

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In February, Americans celebrated President's Day, a day when we honor all our former Presidents, because it took every single one of them, combined, to equal the debt piled up in only two years by this current President.

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In response to high demand for the "morning after" pregnancy-ending drug known as Plan B, federal promiscuity experts (a division of IRS Health Services) approved a pill to remove all traces of personal responsibility. The new drug will be marketed under the trade name Noplanitol.

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US Politics: Elections

In Chicago's contentious election for Mayor, voter turnout was quite heavy. According to early exit polling, Rahm Emanuel led in 51 of the city's 43 voting districts.

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Chicago poll-watchers were at a loss to explain the appearance of over 12,000 Wisconsin schoolteachers, whose voter registration cards had "Wisconsin" crossed out and the words "registered Chicago voter" penciled in.

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According to reports, a Chicago voter who looked like Sean Connery was allegedly gunned down by a voter who looked like Robert de Niro. The gunman was eventually brought to justice by a voter who looked like Kevin Costner. Shortly thereafter, Prohibition was repealed.

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One week before the election, three investigative reporters who were investigating the Chicago political machine mysteriously vanished. In an unrelated story from London, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum announced a new exhibit featuring three Chicago investigative reporters.

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Ultimately, despite niggling details like not technically living there, Rahm Emanuel was elected Mayor of Chicago.

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World Events

In Libya, Colonel Qaddafi stood on somebody's balcony and spoke for 61 hours. He eventually completed a sentence, though this is unconfirmed. During his address, Qaddafi shook his fist at the world, insisting that he would never leave the country until he had worn every single hat in his expansive hat collection. Qaddafi then demanded that somebody bring him a "u" to follow the "q" in his name.

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In a report from CNN's bureau somewhere in the Pakistani Kush, Usama bin Laden publicly surrendered. Unfortunately, his speech was translated by Christine Aguilera, resulting in US Intelligence laying down air strikes on an undisclosed area they called the Cushion of Pac-Man.

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The United Nations convened to ponder the worsening situation in the Middle East. After several days of free meals, the UN council issued a non-binding resolution, confirming that they were all really, really unhappy and stuff.

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Colonel Qaddafi, wearing a wool hat with earflaps and decked out in a strapless Donna Karan number, blamed the Libyan revolution on al Qaeda. Middle East analysts commented on how refreshing it was to find something that's not George Bush's fault.

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Finally facing the Libyan situation, President Obama took decisive action by sending Hillary to Geneva. That way, if Colonel Qaddafi ever happens to show up in Switzerland, Hillary will have already scored the best table in the restaurant.

Take THAT, terrorists!

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Well, I hope you enjoyed our little diversion. I'm sure we'll talk again ... after all, it's only February.

One more comment: if those Frisco meddlers should succeed with that anti-circumcision petition, we can only hope they don't try to make it retroactive. Imagine the scene:

Unionized Health Care professional at the IRS: "Mr. Parham, we're gonna have to put it back."

Me: "Rave on, Jekyll."

(rushing, Barry-like sound, followed by door slamming)