Tooth Slime: A Homemade Tooth-Brushing Product

I discovered tooth slime by accident, and I'm never going back to toothpaste, tooth gel or homemade tooth powder. Try it, and you'll be convinced.

The best place to make tooth slime is a hot shower that is producing a very fine stream, almost a mist. You'll also need a toothbrush and some toothpaste.

Some toothpaste? To make tooth slime? Stick with me for a minute, sahib.

Wet the toothbrush. Hot water is best. Now put a small amount of toothpaste on the wet brush. You use too much; about half that much. A bead the size of a pea is sufficient.

Hold the pasted brush under the stream of hot water. There is an art to this: you want a rivulet that is substantial enough that it hasn't cooled to room temperature, but not so big that it actually rinses the paste off the brush. The right amount of water will work the paste into the bristles and dilute it slightly.

You've just made tooth slime. Insert brush into mouth and enjoy the best brushing session of your life. I'm serious: you'll think someone has let a tiny Swedish masseuse loose in your mouth.

If you haven't been following along at home -- which would involve printing out this article and, I suppose, laminating it -- you might be feeling slightly cheated. How can tooth slime qualify as a product separate from tooth paste when the only ingredients it contains are tooth paste and water, I hear you ask. Listen, sahib: diamond and coal are the same 'ingredient' in a different form. Ice and steam, human DNA and potato DNA, a Bach fugue for piano and the theme from TV's Cheers. Rush Limbaugh and Saki both wrote using the same alphabet, although Saki used those vowels with two dots over them occasionally. If you've just been reading the article, go ahead and take a minute to try it out. Use the hot water from your faucet if you don't feel like taking a shower right now. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Incredible, right ? What's your favorite thing about tooth slime? I like how it adheres to your teeth instead of settling to the bottom of your mouth in a useless clump. I also like how much frothier and foamier it is than toothpaste. I'm sure that if they could economically make and market tooth slime -- I'm picturing a tiny cappuccino machine -- they would. I'm told that folks mixed their own port wine with lemon juice until the Gallows brothers caught on and started selling Thunderbird. I fear that technological limitations will doom tooth slime to remain forever a less-than-cottage industry, made to order in the showers and sinks of America.

Then again, they found a way to market bottled water. Which, by the way, can be used to make an impromptu tooth slime while camping or hiking.

It just won't be hot, and I don't think you'll ever want to give that up.