Toothbrushes Are Not Optional

There are just some things in life that should be non-negotiable. Brushing your teeth is one of them.

Have you ever sat next to that certain person on a bus or perhaps in the doctor's office who is performing a full-on oral hygiene assault on the rest of you? Every time they turn their head in your direction you have to hold your breath. Is that a green cloud hovering around his or her open mouth? I think I might have just witnessed a fly buzzing around in that sewage hole.

Of course, we all have our moments. After a lunch consisting of a side of Gordon Biersch garlic fries nothing else will help except some good old fashioned brushing, flossing, and mouthwash strong enough to make your eyes water. No matter who you are, you will need to pay some serious attention to the situation.

There have, however, been a few people I have met that I would bet I could take my fingernail (no wait - that would be too disgusting) okay then a toothpick, and carve my name into the gunk on their teeth. I only wish I were exaggerating.

Case in point, I once worked with a guy who had the worst breath (and gunk buildup) imaginable. There was one desk that separated us and I still couldn't talk to him in person. I had to call him on the phone to ask him a question about something. I'm sure he often wondered, "Why doesn't she just turn around and ask me? I'm right here..." Well, sir, I had a very good reason. You would have then turned around to answer me, breathed in my direction, and caused me to stifle a wicked gag reflex. I would have even had to close my eyes to force myself to not vomit. Not to mention you would have also wilted all the plants around me. You STINK!

How is it possible that these people do not know that they are so stinky? They most likely live with other people. How do those family members stand it? Do the Stinkies of this world not wake up in the morning and feel that coating of morning breath all over their mouth like the rest of us? How is it that they can start their day and just ignore that? When they drink a Strawberry soda, will the gunk wear a pinkish hue for a while? These are things I have really been wondering. Does it rub off on their tongue? If so, then I suppose they must swallow it. Maybe they were just "saving some for later."

Oh, for the love of all things holy - would you please buy a tube of Crest already and brush those bad boys? In fact, I will buy the supplies for you if necessary. It would be my pleasure in fact, to spend 20 minutes at Rite Aid for you. I will fill my handy red basket full of toothbrushes, toothpaste, dental floss, mouthwash, and any other product and/or gadget which might entice you to become less offensive.

For the sake of your own health, your oral hygiene, your ability to make and maintain relationships, and also for the sanity of those around you... please brush your teeth.