Top 10 2009 New Years Resolutions for Rednecks

As a lifelong resident of Arkansas, located on the border of the Old South and the midwest, some might say I'm a "redneck" myself. The term has several different definitions, from an uneducated racist to a fun-loving, walking Jeff Foxworthy routine. Foxworthy's definition of a redneck is a "gloriously unsophisticated person". Many don't realize that Jeff Foxworthy has an engineering degree from Georgia Tech and thus is hardly uneducated.

I don't consider myself a "redneck" but I am not a tea-sipping opera lover either. I know many who fit the Jeff Foxworthy profile of a "redneck", count some of them as friends, while not subscribing to all their theories. A Jeff Foxworthy "redneck" has an ability to laugh at themself, or in some cases, not realize that it's themselves their laughing at. In any event, a person can be from any part of the U.S., or even Canada, technically from any race, and be a "redneck". It's more about social class than anything. There is even a local term, "mex-necks", for rural Mexican immigrants who like to drink beer and litter the ground with the empty cans. This is in no way malicious toward any particular group, so lighten up people and enjoy the list.

#1 2009 New Years Resolution For Rednecks

Choose another role model besides golfer John Daly. Even though Ol' Long John has his good points, he loves Hooters restaurants, hits golf balls off a beer can with fellow redneck Kid Rock while shirtless and has several ex-wives, but even rednecks have some standards.

#2 2009 New Years Resolution For Rednecks

Speaking of Hooters, try not to get kicked out of the local Hooters restaurant when taking your Mom there for Mother's Day. Dipping snuff and not carrying a spit cup will do it every time. Make sure Mom is aware of the rules this year.

#3 2009 New Years Resolution For Rednecks

Organize a neighborhood watch for your trailer park. In this economy, there's no tellin' what some "sumbitch" (using this term is required for redneck-hood) might steal. Even the toilet seats aren't safe, so run a log chain from your outhouse to the nearest tree.

#4 2009 New Years Resolution For Rednecks

Get the transmission of your El Camino out of the front yard and into the bathtub, where it belongs. Makes a good place to hide the valuables.

#5 2009 New Years Resolution For Rednecks

Cut the mullet. Even Billy Ray Cyrus and John Daly have left the 80's 'do behind. Besides, if the hair hangs down so far, who can see the new "Sarah Palin: The Hottest Guvner From The Coldest State" tattoo?

#6 2009 New Years Resolution For Rednecks

Be nicer to the staff at Bubba's Tattoo Emporium. They might forget to punch the "buy nine tattoos, get the 10th tattoo free" punchcard.

#7 2009 New Years Resolutions For Rednecks

Trade in those AC/DC 8 track tapes for cassettes. Shake the trailer park all night long!

#8 New Years Resolution For Rednecks

Learn to play Texas Hold 'Em. It's got to be fun for the guys at work to play in the bathroom stalls, otherwise they wouldn't holler "how about a courtesy flush?"

#9 2009 New Years Resolution For Rednecks

Sing a country version of Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap at your next wedding reception.

10 2009 New Years Resolution For Rednecks

Buy a double-wide trailer. A redneck needs plenty of room for all his Dale Earnhardt collectibles and Jeff Gordon voodoo dolls, not to mention his handy-dandy Beat-The DNA test kit.