Top 10 2009 New Years Resolutions for Rod Blagojevich

Current Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, and I say current Governor even as it's looking more and more like his days as the Land of Lincoln's chief executive are numbered as surely as those of George W. Bush, needs a little advice of the non-legal variety. Since I'm quite sure he's receiving much needed legal advice, and not being an attorney, I'll restrict my advice to Rod Blagojevich to personal advice on 2009 New Years Resolutions. here goes:

10. 2009 New Years Resolution For Rod Blagojevich

When selling an item as valuable as a U.S. Senate seat, put it up for bids on Ebay. That couldn't have been much more brazen that the way Blagojevich attempted to auction off the seat and you could always pass it off as a joke. Those FBI agents investigating your every move for years are a barrel of laughs.

9. 2009 New Years Resolution for Rod Blagojevich

Have your mother wash your mouth out with soap as a public act of contrition. Calling the President-Elect such words as MF'er is no way to win friends and influence people. The #1 target of your barbs could have been in a position to lend a hand.

8. 2009 New Years Resolution For Rod Blagojevich

Upon being sentenced in court for your transgressions, throw your shoes at the Judge. The Iraqi journalist who started this new trend won't be serving any more time than you probably do. Of course, an Iraqi judge might tack on a few years on the man's sentence for missing his target.

7. 2009 New Years Resolution For Rod Blagojevich

Hire Joe "the Plumber" as your attorney. Joe is an expert on every other subject, so I'm sure reading the book "Criminal Law for Dummies" would make Joe a regular F. Lee Bailey overnight. Besides, promise to make a wig of that helmet hair as payment and I'll bet Joe would put down his plunger and take your case.

6. 2009 New Years Resolution For Rod Blagojevich

Cash in on that vote to invade Iraq when you were in Congress and urge George W. Bush to pardon you in return. If W doesn't go for that, get him to pardon O.J. Simpson to find the "real extortionists"..

5. 2009 New Years Resolution For Rod Blagojevich

Even if Joe the Plunger doesn't take you up on your proposal, unless you want to end up like Tracy Morgan in the Adam Sandler remake of The Longest Yard, lose the helmet hair before reporting to the Federal Pen.

4. 2009 New Years Resolution For Rod Blagojevich

Poof up the hair, grow a mustache, learn to speak in a funky accent, say you're a journalist from Kazakhstan and the whole thing was a sociological experiment. If that fails, try to get the trial moved to California.

3. 2009 New Years Resolutions For Rod Blagojevich

If you choose not to take the advice given in #5, at least hide a file and a hacksaw in your hair and "release yourself on your own recognizance" ala Gail and Evelle Snoats in the Coen Brothers' Raising Arizona.

2. 2009 New Years Resolution For Rod Blagojevich

Check out the vases, the light fixtures and just about everything else in the room in which you meet with your attorneys. In the Bush era the FBI has been known to, shall we say, bend the rules somewhat.

1. 2009 New years Resolution For Rod Blagojevich

Stock up on soap on a rope. Just go to the prison commissary and ask for the Illinois Governor's discount.