Top 10 Characteristics of an Art Snob

Don't think that racist-rednecks and sports jocks exhaust the landscape of jerkery. The artsy-fartsy genera also boasts its share of loudmouthed puffery. If you want to smell the foul effluvia of this intellectualistic puffery, a great place to go is to an art gallery. At art galleries, you are likely to find a certain type of person, who I am calling the 'Art Snob.' Art Snobs are true jerks. In fact, at the relatively-pompous Edinburgh National Gallery in Scotland, I saw more than a fair flock of Art Snobs, and after giving it some thought, I came up with a few features that seem to unify this self-righteous cabal.

10. Turtlenecks. Summer is hot and sweaty, but the Art Snob will probably wear a turtleneck anyway. Though a lot of people who wear turtlenecks aren't Art Snobs, most Art Snobs wear turtlenecks. A black turtleneck is especially snobby.

9. The 'French' Card. Art Snobs either love or hate French Art. If you ear an enflamed conversation about French art, especially by anyone wearing a turtleneck, then you are approaching a Snob Convention.

8. Fake British Accents. Sometimes, Americans try to sound British when they talk about Art. If you see, for example, a person wearing a turtleneck, engaged in an enraged discussion about French Art, and feigning a poser-British accent, then it's Snobber Central.

7. Self-righteous opinions about Postmodernism. Postmodern Art is a genera that doesn't fit nicely and cleanly into a certain profile .Unfortunately, because of this classificatory obfuscation, Art Snobs think they have free reign to declare themselves infallible about the subject. A true art historian will speak cautiously when making claims about Postmodern Art; the Art Snob will speak as if ordained by authority.

6. Wine expertise. Most galleries have overpriced restaurants. Art Snobs realize that these locales provide a forum for them to drink wine, look impressive, and sound smart about art. Thus, you will hear lots of dubiously supported art opinions echoing out and wine slurred from the gallery restaurant or bar. Take notice that it takes not long at all for the Art Snob to go from an expert on Art to an expert on wine in the time it takes to drink two glasses of house red.

5. Bragging about other Galleries. No matter how fantastic a gallery is, an Art Snob will say, quite pretentiously, the he or she has visited a gallery somewhere in Europe which puts the current gallery to shame.

4. Personal Subjective Experience. If you disagree with an Art Snob's opinion, he or she will tell you calmly that the opinion is based on their own experience and that, unfortunately for you, you don't have the ability to experience the painting with all seven senses at once, like the Art Snob can.

3. Kandinsky Experts. Art Snobs all think they know something you don't know about Kandinsky, which they parlay towards the conclusion that they can appreciate Kandinksy more than you can.

2. Tight Jeans. True, this might sound a bit superficial, but Art Snobs are superficial. They enjoy wearing their black turtlenecks with tight-rolled jeans, a rebellion, they think, against a rebellion that was itself, in the early 80s, a rebellion

1. The 'Critical Gaze' Let's be honest here. Everything in the Gallery is probably better than anything you could do. For this reason, it makes sense to gaze at the paintings with admiration. The Art Snob, though, gazes unimpressively, and says things like, "Too much damn movement" or "The use of purple makes me queasy." Good grief.