Top 10 Conflict Prevention Tips for Moms with Teenage Daughters

When I was 15, I don't remember having mood swings, bad hair days, spats with friends, or mother-daughter conflict. Indeed, I recall my teenage years as fun-filled and, mostly, conflict-free. But, maybe, I'm fooling myself. I should ask my mom what she remembers about these tender years. I'm pretty sure she's got some good stories to tell about teen angst or what it felt like parenting two teenage daughters a few years apart. Surely my sister and I had our moments, but I certainly don't remember much of it. I like to think we were model citizens, helpful and supportive of our mother at all times. Even during the thick of those teenage years.

Are you the mother of a teenage daughter? Looking for new ways to both communicate with your daughter and parent effectively? If so, you've probably got your work cut out for you. While experts suggest this is a challenging time for both parents and their teens, there are lots of ways you can strengthen the mother-daughter bond, minimizing the mother-daughter conflict and angst that can emerge during these teen years.

Where to start? Check out these Top 10 Conflict Prevention Tips for Moms With Teenage Daughters. Easy ways for mothers and adolescent daughters to relate to each other, prevent or diffuse mother-daughter conflict, and get back on track.

1. Let your love shine through. Nothing substitutes for a close relationship between mother and daughter. But, it can be a difficult process during the teenage years, particularly with girls as they test the limits and assert their independence. How best to show your motherly love? Spend time with her. Eat meals together. Share a laugh. Go shopping. Listen to her ideas on things. Ask her opinion. Compliment her style choices in a sincere way. Love her with everything you have. Embrace her uniqueness. Applaud her accomplishments. Encourage her to try new things. Tell her you love her.

2. Encourage self-expression, with limits. Don't make your daughter feel like she has to make the same choices as you did at her age. Don't pressure her to follow in your footsteps. Rather, encourage her to find her passions and interests. Allow her to develop her own style. At the same time, set reasonable limits on how far she can go to demonstrate her style. For example, 13 is a good age to allow her to get her ears pierced. But, I would reserve the right for her to decide on multiple piercings or body art, if that's what she wanted to do, after she's finished college or begun her career path, for example. You might also allow her to highlight her hair in her teen years, but for health reasons delay dying her hair until well into college or beyond. Discuss these things with her.

3. Keep technology within sight and limit its use. Until your teenager is in high school, there's no need for your daughter to have a personal laptop or a computer in her room. Likewise, hold off buying her that smart phone, like iPhone or Android, until she's in high school. These are serious cyber tools and they're fraught with hazard, particularly for young people who don't have the ability to think things through, control their impulses or consider the dangers. By keeping technology within your sight, applying reasonable parental controls over their use, and controlling access, you can monitor your daughter's use of these technological tools and, hopefully, encourage safety and good habits along the way. Having a discussion about appropriate websites, cyber security, cyber bullying, and other relevant technology issues will help your teenage daughter understand the technology better and, hopefully, open up the lines of communications when problems occur.

4. Set reasonable limits. As your teenager matures and develops into a young woman, it's important to set reasonable and age-appropriate expectations and limits. Being too strict with your daughter on all issues large and small will encourage rebellion. Not setting any limits will do your daughter harm as she enters a world full of rules and regulations, policies and procedures. Engage your daughter in a discussion of the rules. Make sure you complement her efforts to abide by the rules. For example, if she meets curfew, applaud her for it. Be flexible when circumstances warrant. Curfews can and should be extended for special occasions but not eliminated altogether.

5. Set reasonable consequences. Teenagers can and will rebel. Your daughter is no different. Set and communicate reasonable consequences. Carry out these consequences fairly. Don't be overly punitive. Discuss what rule was broken, what penalty applies without over-doing it. Restrict her time on the computer. Take away her cell phone for a few hours. A little penalty goes a long way at this age. Make your point quickly. Once the punishment has ended, insist on an apology and move on. In this way, your teenage daughter will learn that unwanted behavior has consequences. In addition, she'll realize that forgiveness and getting back to normal is also part of it.

6. Be consistent, but be fair and flexible. Structure is important for most teenagers. Minimizing the chaos for your teenage daughter is important as she winds her way through the teenage years. Be consistently available, communicative, encouraging and reliable. Be flexible with your expectations as situations require. Teenagers need your love, encouragement and consistent presence during this time, even when your daughter makes it seem like it's not welcome or important.

7. Spend quality time together. Life is so busy for you and your teen. Set aside moments just for the two of you. I like taking my teenage daughter to our favorite tea house in Georgetown, a historic section of Washington, DC. Other ideas? A manicure. Lunch out. A quick dinner. A ride to a friend's house. These are the times she'll open up and let you know what's going on. Savor the moments.

8. Be a good listener. Teenagers aren't really interested in what their teachers or parents have to say. So, it's important to spend more time listening than talking. How? Ask relevant questions. Show your interest. Withhold your opinion (if you can!) This will build trust and open lines of communication between you and your teenage daughter.

9. Don't judge. Teenagers already feel like everyone's judging them. Teenage daughters, in particular, are sensitive to what you have to say about their style, choices, friends, and beyond. Be careful not to jump on the bandwagon. Communicate clearly with your teenager. Show your understanding. Express your love. Don't judge.

10. Be a positive role model. What you say and do counts with your teenager daughter. Take the time to examine what you say and do and how this may impact your teen. If you don't want your teenager to curse, then you can't curse around her. If you don't want your teenage daughter to drink or do drugs, you can't either. If you want your teenager daughter to drive responsibly, so must you. Be a positive role model for your daughter in your words and actions. It will pay dividends down the line as she develops into a mature woman.

SOURCES

Parenting skills: Tips for raising teens
Tween and Teen Health for Mayo Clinic Health

Your Questions on Mother-Daughter Relationships
By Shannon Fowler for National Public Radio (NPR) (August 9, 2007)

The Secret to Maintaining the Mother-Daughter Bond
By Eve Pearlman for WebMD the Magazine

Teen Brain Less Discerning of Threat vs. Safety, More Vulnerable to Stress
Science Update for National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), National Institutes of Health (NIH), US Department of Health and Human Services (April 28, 2011)

MORE FROM ASSOCIATED CONTENT BY YAHOO!

What Today's Young Teens Want Parents to Know: It's Not Just About Friendship
By M.G. Hardiman for Associated Content (Jan 14, 2010)Most Dangerous Sports for Kids Today

Education and Public Awareness Campaigns to Stop Youth Sports Injuries
By M.G. Hardiman for Associated Content (Aug 30, 2010)

10 Tips for Disciplining Your Teenager
By M.G. Hardiman for Associated Content (March 30, 2011)