Top 10 Most Extreme Ways to Say, "Will You Be My Valentine?" in Portland, Oregon

Much to the dismay of my broken heart, it appears that after many years to the contrary, I am going to spend this coming Valentine's Day alone, and depressed. Given the fact that Valentine's Day is also my birthday it is also reasonable to assume that I will be
un-celebrating, and dis-recognizing this deniably most romantic holiday dedicated to the abnormal psychological malady known as "Love", deep in the shadows under some bridge. I intend to have fully morphed into the perfect image of an ugly and hateful troll who emerges to collect unreasonable tolls from starry-eyed lovers intent on crossing over the River of Bliss via my bridge as well.

The best thing I hope to achieve on this Valentine's Day will be a level of some sort of intoxication that will ultimately wipe any memory of this mockery of affection clean from the gray matter between my ears that I refer to loosely as a brain.

However, my Valentine's Day loss will definitely be your Valentine's Day gain. You see, I recall that my idea of appropriate participation in last years festivities involved the simple, crass purchase of a box of the highest quality, hand made, chocolate truffles contained inside of an actual chocolate candy box and, of course, an autographed, yet most unremarkable, stock, greeting card.

This year, wishing I had the whole thing to do over again, an ember of passion and romance that had been content to lay smoldering for a long time has now erupted into a volcanic explosion of unforgettable, romantic fantasies and expressions of pure, unconditional, and powerful love - the likes of which might never have even been imagined otherwise.

And so, without further adieu, it is with deep disdain that I present to you now, the
Top 10 Most Extreme Ways To Say, "Will You Be My Valentine?" in Portland, Oregon.

1. An intimate, black tie, formal, 5-7 course, dinner for two, custom catered and professionally served outdoors upon a candle lit table that is draped in white linen, at the optimum viewpoint in the park at Portland, Oregon's Council Crest. Transportation by convertible Rolls Royce Corniche or a more common limousine is optional.

2. A television commercial that is either 30 seconds or 60 seconds in length featuring you proclaiming your unconditional and everlasting love. Best executed after seemingly deciding to spend an uneventful Valentine's Day evening at home watching T.V., the spot should be scheduled to run during his or her choice of programming for the night, hopefully during programming that will also be viewed by the largest constituency of his or her closest friends and relatives. The spot may be randomly rebroadcast throughout the night after the initial showing for further effect.

3. An intimate dinner for two followed by a Champaign toast served whilst hovering high above the lights of Portland, Oregon's city center, aboard a chartered airship (also known as a blimp).

4. (For riders of Portland, Oregon's light rail transit system known as Tri-Met's MAX) The application upon the outside of a railcar of a High Definition graphic montage featuring photos from some of your favorite moments together captured digitally or on film with titles asking, "Will You Be My Valentine?"

5. A moonlight serenade when you sing your favorite love song outside the bedroom window of your intended Valentine with musical accompaniment provided by a 4-piece classical chamber music group. Latino arrangements played and presented for the two of you in the same location by one of Portland, Oregon's many outstanding professional mariachi bands may be substituted if needed or more heart rendering.

6. A 30 or 60 second radio commercial professionally produced and broadcast by his or her favorite radio station during your loved one's commute to or from work on Valentine's Day.

7. A multi-media extravaganza that begins with a helicopter ride to one of the secluded pristine beaches on the Oregon coast. A professionally catered 7 course dinner under a silk canopy featuring a selection of culinary masterpieces made with legendary fresh local Oregon seafood should await your arrival and be set beside a large beach wood bon fire. The meal should be attended by two personal and professional servers. At one corner under the canopy, music will be provided from a list of your favorite love songs and melodies, and performed by a live classical guitar player. Following dinner and a Champaign toast an intimate moment is shared as the two of you relax upon a beach lounge made for two beside the fire. A Valentine's Day kiss will signal the beginning of a private and fabulous fireworks display set off over the incoming tide of the Pacific Ocean.

8. The day begins with the two of you being picked up by limousine and taken to one of the many full service spas that can be found in many parts of Portland, Oregon, including the Pearl district, Johns Landing, and Northwest 21st St. Depending on the personal tastes and rejuvenation needs of you and your loved one, you will spend the entire morning being pampered. You might share a Japanese mud bath, or your individual favorite types of deep tissue massage. Full attention will be given to your manicures, pedicures, Brazilian wax, Hair, etc., all while being immersed in the finest aroma therapeutic environment. Then, it is off to your loved one's favorite boutique to select a magnificent and absolutely perfect outfit for the evening that lies ahead, with the assistance of a professional, personal, wardrobe and style consultant. Once selected, your private driver and coach will whisks you and your Valentine to the waterfront of the Willamette River in downtown Portland, Oregon, where you board a private chartered yacht upon which the two of you proceed to enjoy a wonderful catered dinner featuring fine French cuisine and the perfect wine chosen from among one of Oregon's many world class vineyards. Dinner is followed by dancing with music provided by one of the many outstanding Jazz quartets that call Portland, Oregon their home. Your cruise ends when the captain of your yacht informs you that you have arrived and that a smaller craft will be taking you ashore and assisting you as you check in to the Columbia River Gorge Hotel which is located about 45 minutes east of Portland, Oregon, in the breath taking Columbia River Gorge. Set atop a cliff overlooking the majestic Columbia River, the grounds of the hotel include the awesome 208 foot cascade of Wah Gwin Gwin Falls.

9. This entry onto the list of Top 10 Most Extreme Ways To Say, "Will You Be My Valentine?" in Portland, Oregon, includes all of the parts found in number 8 on the list, and continues with the gift of diamond jewelry over a Champaign toast at midnight while one of Portland, Oregon's entertainment lighting companies provides a phenomenal laser light show using a full spectrum, full color laser that illuminates the gorge and beams a graphic with your favorite high definition picture of the two of you in a romantic setting over the water with the words, "Will you be my Valentine?" added.

10. This last entry will take a bit more planning and preparation time than any of the others. Like the others, this will be of interest to those who have fallen victim to Cupid's arrow to the extent that the cost of making it happen is truly not an issue. I have called several companies that provide services that would be needed to produce the end result and I have been assured that it could be made to happen given lead time of around one year, and a total cost that would approach an eight figure price tag. It is intended to elevate the two lovers involved and their Valentine's Day celebration of their romance to historic proportions known throughout the world. I will be happy to share my contacts with interested parties upon request.

The 10th most extreme way to say, "Will you be my Valentine?" in Portland, Oregon, involves you and your Valentine standing on top of the tallest building located in the city center of downtown Portland, Oregon, and gazing up at the night sky while a privately built and launched satellite carrying a custom designed high power red laser beams the words, "Will you be mine," followed by your Valentine's name across the face of the full moon that occurs just prior to, or during the Valentine's Day when this is planned to happen.

Please excuse me if I snarl as I scurry back into the depths of the darkness that loveless trolls like me inhabit. And please, remember, when it comes to love - I hope the same thing that happened to me, happens to each and every one of you as well. Your warm, fuzzy feeling, romantic yearnings of the heart and discoveries of timeless soul mates make me ill.