Top 10 Paris Hilton Newsworthy Linkups of 2006

If ever you're looking for your daily television fix, you need look no further than Paris Hilton, the publicity whore-in-training. Her propensity for seeking out and finding publicity is astounding. At a unique time in our history when females in Russia are actually working as pimps for other females, Hilton is the pimp for anyone looking to make it in Hollywood. Her school for suckers has graduated the likes of the Carter bro's, about 10 millionaire playboys from various countries, convicted criminals, Travis Barker and Lindsay Lohan. (Even though the Russian women have college degrees yet still WORK 9-5 during the day; let's see these spoiled Hollywood broads do THAT every day.)

Though Paris doesn't have to worry about her ho's making bank like the Russian girls she still has a degree of integrity when her publicity-whore approval rating drops. All she does is find some other poor sucker who is willing to jump on a Learjet and fly to Vegas. If you don't believe me, ask Britney Spears. Bottom line: Hilton works hard for her money. If you don't believe Hilton is THE quintessential publicity-whore just have a gander at the top 10 Paris Hilton newsworthy linkups. Hilton is part showman and part businesswoman and nobody east of Don King has been able to match her publicity hounding. In fact Paris is now taking her act to that City of Sin where King made his billions, or Las Vegas.

10. That stupid video. Yeah I know what you're thinking-but there aren't too many things in Hollywood that stick out-and this one sticks out, even after all these years. Hilton is still known for being "that girl in a video" and not even Pamela can hold a candle. Though you can hardly make out the figures in that dimness of the video (can anyone say "issues of authenticity"?) Paris' ex claims it is the real deal, which apparently is good enough coming from some dude whose claim to fame is laying the Hilton heiress. This is totally hilarious, particularly when Hilton claims she is a virgin and never actually participated in the video.

9. Nick Carter. Though it was total hilarity that little bro Aaron tried out to outshine Big Nick (and he will get his just dessert later in the story) Hilton supposedly was sincere about her interest in this Backstreet Boy and the two supposedly did click, until...(read down the page) Nick found out Hilton may have been cheating on him, in which case he turned into his usual rageaholic self and brought down the foundation that is his world. Read on, my friends.

8. Darnell Riley, the man who in 2004 burst into the house of Joe Francis, the CEO of "Girls Gone Wild" hogtied him and left him crying on the floor saying words too graphic for even this Web site. Apparently Hilton knew the masked intruder as well-and not only knew the man who was found guilty attempting to extort money from Mr. Francis, but had Riley on her speed dial! Now Hilton will never be known for making good judgments when it comes to her associations, but this guy? The only reason Riley got his 15 minutes (or 15 years to life, whichever you prefer) is that he was stupid enough to try to extort money from a guy (Francis) who has basically spent his adulthood exhorting (and dare I say, extorting) women to take off their clothes for a lark and a buck. Instead Riley gets cell and bunkmate, as opposed to calling Paris his playmate. But it's so ridiculous-even now-that it will get our No. 8 spot since Riley did plead guilty in February and was sentenced to 10 years and eight months in state prison.

7. Aaron Carter. The singer/rapper/entertainer/bitch to brother Nick is fast becoming the non-preferred of the duo, though the kid supposedly did some Disney specials and sang some in his youth. Whatever. Well those days are long gone now, replaced by an acneed foul-mouthed weirdo who seems to be going the way of Spam in terms of his popularity. But Aaron Carter has outdone himself again! After attempting to steal brother's woman (yeah, that Paris Hilton) Nick got his revenge on their reality show, using a rageaholic's wisdom to basically beat the truth out of 'ol Nicky in the bathroom. Aaron is basically K-Fed without the sig-other (or is he?) Now he's even on the Carter family's infomercial/reality show in which every member of the family provides a 30-minute dossier/resume on their hopes, dreams and aspirations, only to be drowned out by the other loudmouthed, volatile member of the bunch, the decidedly alcoholic Bobbi Jean (who can cook a mean meal).

6. Nicole Richie. Though their reality show/choreographed dossier has long been overcome by the likes of about 30 other good reality shows, leave it to Hilton and Richie to put the B back in bitch. They have, in the course of several episodes, tried to A. coax several good Christian men into the sack; B. put sleazy clothes on a five-year old; C. hit on every good man in every house, including married men; and D. found a way to get out of doing even the most mundane chores, usually through manipulating and showing some leg. If only their pink truck would explode with them in it. But it won't-unless somebody is willing. And now they have reconciled, leaving us to more of "The Simple Life" and less of real-life.

5. Travis Barker. Well, get that butter on that breakfast toast. Paris may not be from France, but she sure likes her breakfast toast if it comes from Travis. At the club Butter in New York City the two were seen making out like Barker was actually freed from Shanna Moakler, his ex. (They're not; the divorce proceedings are ongoing) But that matters little to Hilton, who did her best Moakler impression and tried, vainly, to impersonate the Playboy playmate. Barker looked more like he was getting over the divorce than showing interest in Paris. But if you need to get your cry on in Hollywood, Hilton seems to be the one with a dry shoulder.

4. Nick Carter. Ah, the feud goes on. But that's how Hollywood is...so get used to it, rookie!! Just when you thought it was safe to move on from 'ol Nicky boy (And I don't mean Hilton's brother) comes the revelation that Carter had heard Hilton was sleeping on him in 2004 and used Ashlee Simpson as the bait for a double-cross! He shared this with the world to stir up publicity for his reality show in October and all of which Simpson denied. Then as Carter says he worked up the hots for Simpson, back comes Hilton, saying she wants more from Nick. If not for the denial from Simpson, this publicity-whore stunt from Mr. Backstreet may have earned him the No. 1 spot.

3. Madonna. WTF is Madonna doing with the Hilton heiress? Oh wait...Madonna is a publicity-whore too, though her exploits were more newsworthy in 1990, as opposed to '06. Madonna probably has outfits older than Hilton, but the two are record-label partners and Hilton says she looks up to the "Material Girl." No word on whether or not the pair will show up at the next MTV Video Awards and make out. The sightings show that Hilton is working on becoming not only a publicity-whore, but a publicity-whore for all of time.

2. Brandon Davis, better known as the man who dogged Lohan. This trust-fund buddy, childhood friend, oil heir (and supposed boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/boytoy/galpal) of Hilton's puts the H back in hilarious. He will forever be known for the Crotchgate scandal in which he famously called Lindsay Lohan's private area a "firecrotch," hereby referring to the natural color of her pubic area. But not only did the man refer to her area, he basically advertised it and spread the message all over the world, thus earning the No. 2 spot well ahead of even the jailbird on Paris' speed dial! Now that takes some talent!! Soon you'll likely see this guy on ET blabbing about celebrities and has-beens.

AND...

1. Britney Spears. What better way to ring in the New Year than to really stir things up! And Paris did just that by inviting Spears, she of the "makin' out with Madonna" variety, to join her on a however-long bender in Sin City, thus proclaiming to the world that Britney was done with K-Fed AND that everyone could basically assume that Spears' parenting skills were as bad as we thought they were, from all of the ridiculous pictures paparazzi shot over the years of Britney's motherhood. Then the publicity-whore for all time had the audacity to give kudos to Spears' parenting skills. Well here's to Spears' parenting skills and to Paris' skills for seeking out and finding publicity wherever and whenever the need arises! She did it yet again and has raised the bar for publicity whoring to an all-time high.

In the end the ten most deserving of recognition of their actions received theirs. As for Aaron, my advice to you is work harder and think about what you're doing before you do it. You never know when Hilton will surprise you or where she will pop up.