Top 10 Reasons Why Kevin Federline Should Go Out with Paris Hilton

1. If the two of them hook up, they won't subject any other innocent people to the torture that is....well, them. By not marrying anyone else, they'll keep from soiling any other perfectly good couples and further tainting the gene pool. In other words, their permanent hook-up will surely benefit all of mankind.

2. Kevin Federline acts like a money grubbing, smarmy little vermin. Paris Hilton is known for taking an interest (however briefly) in accessorizing with all sorts of unusual pets, including vermin. K-Fed may not be as cute as a kinkajou, but he'll still fit right in once she gives him a diamond studded collar and fuzzy pink leash. Bonus-- since Federline's not imported from a foreign country, Paris probably won't need a special permit to own him. Then again, she might have to prove he's had his shots. Now where oh where did Britney put those important papers....?

3. Kevin sucked up to Shar Jackson, then got her pregnant. They broke up, and then he sucked back up to Shar Jackson, and got her pregnant. They broke up. So he sucked up to Britney, got her pregnant. They almost split. Then he sucked up to Britney.....are we seeing a pattern yet? If Paris goes out with Federloins, she should be knocked up -- twice -- in short order. Thus fulfilling her much publicized, pouty lipped desire to be a Mom; as well as Kevin's apparent plan to re-populate Hollywood single handedly. (If only he'd use the single hand once in awhile, there would be fewer Feder-genes floating about.)

4. Kevin is not really a singer but he plays one on TV. Paris is also not really a singer but she tries really hard. Well, sort of hard. Well, she makes noise into a microphone, anyway. And it's like.....amplified.
Kevin isn't really an actor but appeared in the frightening saga that was Chaotic. Paris isn't really an actress, but appeared in even more frightening videos than that. Their films made us want to gouge our eyes out and wash them with kerosene. What more in common could they possibly need on which to build a solid, lifelong relationship?

5. Since the overwhelming majority of Antarctica is covered with ice, it's a rather cool spot. K-Fed and Paris really, really want to be cool people. You just can't ask for a better opportunity than that.

6. Antarctica's extremely cold temperature can benefit not only the happy couple, but the rest of humanity as well. Think about it--Paris can envelope herself in fur, ala Cruella DeVille, just like she's always wanted. (Hide your pets, people.) And K-Fed will be more likely to actually hike his pants up over his ass to combat the chill. Mercifully, we may never have to see either of their butt cracks again.

7. Should they procreate, --shudder-- the whole family can share their abundance of matching white wife beater tank tops and baseball caps. Can't you just see their Christmas cards?

8. Paris and Kevin could potentially have a daughter. By merging their DNA and rearranging the letters in their names, they could bestow upon her a moniker befitting both their stature and class. Heaven Filter Loin-drips Fink, welcome to our world.

9. Antarctica is the perfect spot for the Filterlines, because then they can spend every day with Santa Claus and have everything they've ever wanted! (Shhhhhhhhh.....I won't tell if you won't. Let's just airlift them in and let them wander around looking for the North Pole, shall we?)

10. In conclusion, the reason Kevin and Paris should hook up and move to Antarctica really all boils down to this: Paris is a blueblood with money but no clue. Kevin has no money, but watches Blues Clues.
See...? It all works out in the end.