Top 10 Redneck Resturant Games

Having been a food service industry worker for the last 20 years in the deep south, I have had the first hand opportunity to examine the "redneck" in great detail. The redneck is a creature of guile and cunning. He hides his superior intelligence behind a facade of ignorance and as we all know, ignorance is bliss. These creatures are so far above the normal spectrum of average intelligence that they must create diversions to amuse themselves in ordinary situations lest they become completely infuriated with the commonness of the average person.

Dining out in public is no exception. In order to alleviate the mental frustration of spending such a large amount of time with peoplethey consider to be lower life forms, they must create ingenious activities with which to pass the time. A little known aspect of the redneck way of life is the passing on of these amusements to their offspring. Thus we are subjected to "The Redneck Restaurant Games". The redneck genius regards these games as teaching tools which faciliate excellent socialization skills for their numerous super intelligent offspring, in order for them to be able to associate and maintain their ties to ordinary humans. Here are the rules to some of these socialization games that are played in many fine dining establishment literally under the noses of the person of average intelligence who seldom grasp the true meaning of the actions performed.1. Kill the Waitress also called Waffle House Poker - An all time redneck favorite logic game. Get together a large group of at least 6-8 adults and meet at the local Shoney's, Waffle House or similar dining establishment for hours of educational entertainment. Not required but often preferred for large group gathering games, 3-4 children under the age of 5. While they cannot play, they can enjoy watching and learning logic skills from their adult companions and optimism the general amusement of the group. The rules state that the game MUST be played between Friday and Sunday evening during the dinner rush hours at the restaurant when the staff will be the busiest. Each of the adult players places a quarter on the table in front of them to signify the start of the game. They take turns requesting simple items from the kitchen for the waitress to bring them. Each player must make the request during a separate trip to the table. Players add a quarter to their pile every time the server comes back to the table with the requested item. This is especially fun when the waitress is at a disadvantage such as having a bad leg or is really old and walks slow.The player with the most money at the end of the meal wins all the other players money.

2. Take It Back (or tick off the cook) - Another great game to hone logic and strategy. Rules state that this game must be played during heavy business traffic hours. It needs 4 or more adult players. The players take turns having food items sent back to the kitchen and keep track of how many times it can be sent back before they get their entire meal for free. Players keep track of points for using coffee creamers to tally the score. 1 point for a free drink, 2 points for a complimentary appetizers, 3 points for complimentary desert. To rack up extra points players may bring along children under the age of 5. 2 points are awarded every time one of the kids gets something free. When the manager offers the entree for free the player is out of the game. Players are awarded bonus points for a free meal plus a gift card, discount card or rein check. Player with the most points gets their pick of the leftovers to carry home in a bag.

3. Hide the tip- An interesting side amusement, usually played as an add on to one of the previously mentioned games to hone stealth skills as many rednecks are picked for future careers as CIA operatives or other government agents. Players take turns inventing creative ways to hide a tip on the table for the server and then pretend to go to the bathroom while watching the server clean the table off from just inside the bathroom door. The player that succeeds in making the server the maddest wins. Creative ideas for beginners at this sport include: rolling a dollar into a spit wad then putting it under a napkin on the dirtiest plate and dumping out an ashtray on top of it. Other interesting ideas include stuffing a dollar bill into the middle of a straw and placing it in a half drunk glass of coke. My all time favorite is the turning a glass of water upside down on top of a pile of change trick so that when the glass is moved it spills everywhere. Players are encouraged to be as creative as possible as it is quite amusing to spectators.

4. Top off the trash can (Or what's a urinal?)- Usually played in adult eating establishments, local honky tonk haunts or late night diners. Usually preferred by male players but females are also encouraged to join in the spirit of team play. Players team up and mark a trash can in the bathroom of their favorite adult get away. Team members take turns using the can instead of the urinal, (since those are for people of average intelligence and below the standards of the genus redneck anyway). The first team to top the can off to overflowing wins. The other team buys the next round of drinks.

5. Table Hockey (or feed the baby please!) - This is generally a family outing game. Each adult player must have a team mate under the age of three. Most fun if played during weekend breakfast outings but can be played just about anytime, any where. The players try to force feed their tot mates in the alloted time of game play, usually a half hour. The player whose child has the biggest pile of food on the floor at th end of the meal wins all the Cary out bags at the table. Variations include feeding the baby from across the table by throwing chunks of food onto the high chair tray and allowing baby to finger paint with grits, oatmeal or mashed potatoes while eating and climbing from adult player to adult player. This version is very popular as it gives the little feller some much needed healthy exercise.

6. Don't squeeze the Charmin! (or squish the condiments!)- A game designed to enhance art appreciation as well as hand eye coordination. Best played in a fast food setting during peak lunch business hours. 2 or more players, children are encouraged to join in. After the meal and possibly a round of table hockey, the players take turns placing ketchup or other condiment packets on the table and smashing them with their fists. The player whose items squirt the furthest with the most artistic display wins. They are awarded with any rolls of toilet paper taken from the bathroom by other players during game play.

7. Clear the Room (or what's that smell?) - an anti logic game, this is great fun at wedding anniversary, birthday parties or other small special occasion dinners. 2-5 players, usually more than that ruins the game. Players meet at the local fine dining establishment like Ocharlies or Applebees and proceed to seat themselves in the most populated area of the restaurant. Hostess seating usually ruins the game as it eliminates options if not placed in the correct area. Players take turns using loud profane and vulgar language and making rude gestures such as buring, and farting sounds and pretending to blow their nose or spit in their napkins. The first player to succeed in getting a near by table to request the staff to move them wins.

8. Those ain't raisins in my toast! - Popular game played in any meat and three and more popular southern franchises like Waffle House or Denny's. It is enjoyed by young and old alike. Need at least 3-5 players, even more fun when played with groups teamed up at different tables scattered throughout the restaurant. Each player orders raisin toast with their meal then proceeds to pop the raisins out of the toast and toss them all over their own and other peoples tables. The players take turns pretending to find bugs on their food and complaining loudly to new guests as they pass by their table to be seated. The player who gets the most people to agree that those are indeed not raisins wins. Not sure what the traditional prizes are for this one but it seems to be a lot of fun and all the players are usually rewarded with a free meal from the manager for providing such entertainment to the other guests.

9. Drama Queen - A social gender roles awareness game. Needs 3-9 players and best if played at a buffet style restaurant. Quite popular at Shoneys breakfast bar and Denny's. Each player takes turns acting out a particularly emotional scene in the restaurant such as someone says they are fat or the server ignored their request etc. The person who gets the most people to look at them wins. Usually preferred by the females but males are encouraged to join in the spirit of "getting in touch with their femininity". The winner gets a shopping trip to walmart after the meal paid for by the looses.

10. Screaming Baby fights - Best played at a diner or fine dining establishment such as a the local Mexican restaurant. This is a team strategy game. Each team must have at least one adult and one child player under the age of three. If there are no children available to play, the team may substitute their mentally challenged cousin Ron. The teams sit at separate tables scattered throughout the restaurant. Players take turns making their infant or toddler (or Ron) scream by taking away what ever they happen to be playing with at the moment, their bottle or sippy cup, a crayon, some plastic silverware etc. The team who's child screams the longest and loudest wins. Points are rewarded for every group of customers who request to be moved away from the team. The winner gets the privilege of being waited on first and checked on regularly.