Top 10 Things for Barry Bonds to Do This Offseason

The season is over for Barry B*nds. Since I consider myself a very helpful person, especially for all thing B*nds related, I figured I would allow him to relax while I plan his vacation. Without further ado, here is the top ten things Barry B*nds will do this offseason.

1. Visit Applied Pharmacy in Mobile, Alabama to see what all the fuss is about in the HGH/steroid investigation. While there be sure to check the list so your name isn't linked to the ring.

2. Pay a visit to pal Greg Anderson in jail. Take a tour of the place in case it becomes your future residency.

3. Swing over to Tiujana to squeeze in a horse testosterone treatment.

4. Meet with Victor Conte to see if he has any new developments in his product line.

5. Go on a motorcycle ride with Jose Cansec*, Mark McGwir*, and Sammy S*sa. Big M*c cleverly dubs your crew "Wild H-o-GH-s".

6. Prank call George Mitchell and Kimberly Bell.

7. Dress in drag and attend a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

8. Now that the coast is clear, finally go out for drinks with Floyd Landis.

9. Have dinner with Michael Jackson and debate who's image has changed more over the past twenty years. Commiserate with MJ because he understands what it feels like to have the public not believe that your image changed naturally.

10. Meet with the President because he's the only man in America who has a lower approval rating than B*nds.