Top 10 Things Paris Hilton Was Really Crying About

As numerous Americans not accomplishing anything at work already know, socialite and celebrated handbag designer Paris Hilton has been sentenced to a 45-day term at the Century Regional Detention Facility for driving on a suspended license and appearing in "House of Wax". More than one news report has already surfaced of Paris crying in or out of court, and a video making the rounds on the Internet shows Paris sobbing in a car (with the windows conspicuously open to invite photography, for reasons too mysterious to discern). Was she crying about the sentence? Or were there hidden motives?

As forty-five days without Paris Hilton would deprive this august publication and/or industry of news for at least forty-four of them, we proudly present this helpful guide to the top ten possibilities of what Paris was really crying about that fateful, fateful night. I mean day.

(10) Still inconsolable over February 2006 death of respected character actor Don Knotts

(9) Jail term likely to conflict with long-anticipated volunteer project at a home for disadvantaged children

(8) Horrified at the prospect of being forced to eat three complete meals a day

(7) Prison term likely to cast severe aspersions on acting career at worst possible time, with new sex tape due any minute now

(6) Will miss out on witnessing precious youthful days in Britney Spears' children's young lives, according to Ms. Spears' mother

(5) Suspects Lindsay Lohan liable to one-up her with a 90-day sentence

(4) Criminal conviction may, down the line, deny Hilton the chance to secure steady and respectable employment

(3) Knows, deep down, that she will never, ever, ever be able to pull this sort of pay-debt-to-society stunt off with half the grace and charm of Naomi Campbell

(2) Thinks Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger personally disappointed in her behavior, anticipating apocalyptic battle with android from the future

(1) Figured after watching the trial over Anna Nicole's final remains that somebody was supposed to cry at these things, and the judge wasn't holding up his end

Hilton's tears may be well-documented, but sources close to the starlet noted with relief that she perceptibly cheered up upon being informed of the numerous sexual opportunities a prison experience can provide to a slightly-built Caucasian female. She then witnessed someone throwing a piece of trash on the ground instead of in a trash receptacle, then turned to a camera and shed a single tear.

An Internet petition circulates to secure Hilton's release even now; Governor Schwarzenegger was unavailable for comment on the legal proceedings, having left the office earlier in the day for purposes of finding Sarah Connor.