Top 10 Ways to Beat the Heat

The air conditioning is blasting and all the fans are running full tilt but none of it is enough to escape the blistering heat we are suffering here in Georgia at the moment. Looking across the US weather map it looks like a large portion of the country is going through the same thing. Makes Al Gore look like an absolute genius. What can we possibly do to escape this heat? Here are my top ten ideas.

1. Get in a water balloon fight with your kids and make no effort to win. Let them pummel you with those things dousing you with cold water in the process. A fun and highly effective way to cool off.

2. Dress up like a gorilla and hide in the bushes when you hear the ice-cream truck coming. Jump out and scream when he reaches you. With any luck the driver will take off abandoning his wares. Sure, you may be sweaty in that gorilla suit but you'll soon cool off with all those delicious frozen treats.

3. I hear that jail cells are very cold (why do you think they call it the cooler?) and seeing as how you'll be spending some time there for accosting the ice cream truck driver and stealing his products you should be able to cool off rather nicely.

4. Soak in a bathtub filled with ice water. Not only will this cure all those stubborn aches and pains you have lingering from gardening and housework, but it will bring your body temp down drastically. Don't stay in there too long for fear of hypothermia, and guys, make sure you are home alone with this one. There is no possible way to impress your wife or girlfriend with your naked form if you've been soaking in ice for a half hour.

5. Crash your car into a hydrant on your street. It'll be hours before the firemen can get that thing repaired and in the meantime gallons of waters will be cascading into the sky soaking everyone in its path. You may have to fight off some of the local kids for the ideal spot and you may want to make sure that your insurance is up to date to claim for the damage to your car. You can bribe a couple of the kids with the stolen ice cream so that they'll tell the police a raccoon ran out in front of your vehicle causing you to swerve into the hydrant.

6. Go to your local Wal-Mart and be sure to put some sort of sturdy rope and a jackknife in your pocket. Once there, pretend that you have fallen into one of those big fridges that hold the ice. Scream like a crazy person and while doing so tie the doors together from the inside. People will be trying frantically to get you out but if you have a strong enough knot it should hold until you are well and truly cooled off and ready to cut it open with the knife.

7. Repeat step 3 after the Wal-Mart employees discover that you did all that on purpose causing a public disturbance.

8. Take some time to look in your freezer and you'll find a bunch of items that you completely forgot about. They'll have been in there for years and have become so freezer burned that they will be inedible. Clear a space in the garage and place the items on the floor. Strip naked and roll back and forth across those items and feel that delicious coldness seep through your overheated system. Be sure to check for any stray nails, screws, or other sharp objects before rolling around.

9. If you failed to take the necessary precautions in your garage then a trip to the ER is in your future and the one thing we all know about hospitals is that they are always perfectly air-conditioned plus you'll get one of those gowns that's all open down the back letting in even more of that precious cool air.

10. Find a local demonstration that you think might turn ugly and go join in. If trouble breaks out it's only a matter of time before the police show up with the water cannons and hose you all down with freezing water. You will end up being arrested and then you can just repeat steps 3 and 7.

So there you have it, some truly impractical ideas to try and beat this summer heat. I've actually worked up a real sweat while typing this....I'm off to Wal-Mart.