Top 10 New Year's Resolution Suggestions for Bill Clinton

Former President William Jefferson Clinton turned 50 years old in 2006. It was reported that he was very depressed about this event. Perhaps it was because he realized his own mortality, or perhaps another event depressed him: The fact that his wife, Hillary Rodham Clinton, threw her hat into the 2008 Presidential Race right about the same time Bill celebrated his birthday.

Never fear, Bill. You can make 2007 work for you, just by making and sticking to some New Year's Resolutions. Here are 10 Resolutions that you should add to your list.

RESOLUTION #1: I WILL STAY AWAY FROM THE LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW CIRCUIT.

When you appeared on the Arsenio Hall Show during your own race for President, it was really cool - especially to us Generation X-ers. You were young, you were hip, and you wanted our vote - which ultimately put you into the Oval Office. It was a great strategy. However, now it's your wife's turn. Let her make the appearances and run the campaign. Don't help.

RESOLUTION #2: I WILL GET THE HECK OUT OF HARLEM.

Bill, we never accused you of being a racist. Why would you get an office in Harlem after being turned away from an office in the heart of NYC? What sort of statement were you trying to make? Find someone to take over the remainder of your 10 year lease. After all, you might be moving back to Washington, DC in 2008.

RESOLUTION #3: I WILL BE FAITHFUL TO MY WIFE.

A woman can only take so much, Bill. Don't think that Hillary won't kick your cheatin' heart to the curb if you do it again.

RESOLUTION #4: I WILL LEAVE THE INTERNS ALONE.

Your daughter, Chelsea, is 26 years old. The interns in your office are younger than that, as are the interns in your wife's Senatorial office. You've done a good job leaving them alone so far... Don't let it slip.

RESOLUTION #5: I WILL TAKE BETTER CARE OF MYSELF.

Take a page out of Chelsea's book and start eating better. That heart surgery should have scared you into doing so, but you've been seen eating fried foods and such again. You've already had one heart surgery. Don't put yourself at risk for another.

RESOLUTION #6: I WILL SUPPORT MY WIFE.

That means emotionally, Bill. Yes, we all know that Hillary is a tough cookie. However, even thr strongest glass can break. Your family is going to be under scrutiny once again on the campaign trail. Just make sure that you support your wife's position on everything - Even if you don't agree with it. After all, you can just lie to get out of your position... Not that lying would bother you or anything, right?

RESOLUTION #7: I WILL NOT WRITE ANOTHER BOOK.

You said all that you needed to say in your book, My Life. I'm not saying that it is a bad book - You just told us all we needed to know, and more. That's enough. We'll read more about you in Hillary's book, when it comes out.

RESOLUTION #8: I WILL SUPPORT MY DAUGHTER.

Your daughter, Chelsea, has become a lovely, young woman. She's got an amazing job, and tries to stay out of the spotlight. Support her in her private live. She isn't a media hog like you and Hillary. Let her be. And, when she finally does get married, don't hit on any of her bridesmaids.

RESOLUTION #9: I WILL DO MY BEST NOT TO MAKE A SPECTACLE OF MYSELF.

This is sort of everything above all rolled into one, Bill. Just do your best to be low-key. Your wife will thank you for it.

RESOLUTION #10: IF I START BALDING, I WILL NOT GET A CHEESY TOUPEE.

You have aged gracefully so far, Bill. Don't ruin it by pulling a Donald.