Top 10 New Year's Resolution Suggestions for Britney Spears

Oh, Britney. You need help. Fast. You might think that your career and life are pretty much over, but here are some New Year's resolutions that I think might help you get back on track:

1. Quit chewing gum. Chewing gum is helpful if you are trying to stop smoking or to stop snacking in between meals. It is not appropriate behavior in public, nor is it a good idea to be smacking gum during a nationally televised interview.

2. Get real pets. Your arm chihuahua is cute, and hey- everyone loves chihuahuas, but it's played. Every blonde celebutante has a chihuahua. And don't settle for a tiny monkey, a la Paris Hilton- get a gorilla or a nice springy gazelle. That will get your name back into the papers for something other than being gross.

3. Buy better groceries. You know for a fact that every time you go to the grocery store people will take pictures of you, and you know the pictures will be posted online for ridicule. So do not go out and buy huge quantities of beer and Cheetos anymore. If you need these items, you can send the help out for them. Sheesh.

4. Wear shoes. Investigate this thing called shoes. After running into gas station bathrooms several times while barefoot, it is apparent that you have forgotten about shoes. You have over $100 million in the bank (or in Cheetos stock), you can afford a couple of pairs of shoes.

5. Quit getting married. Two bizarre and ridiculous marriages have proven that you have no sense in your head when it comes to marriage and probably never will. Avoid marriage, plan on perpetual spinsterhood for the good of the nation.

6. Don't be interviewed on video ever again. Did you see yourself on Fahrenheit 9/11? Did you? Seriously Britney- don't.

7. Please pretend to be Canadian. You are embarrassing us. The next time you are caught on film, throw in a few "eh"s. Your kind of hillbilly behavior is actually accepted in Canadians.

8. It's called showering. I don't know what this latest husband had on you, but however he talked you into not showering, it is just wrong. It is important for everyone to shower or bathe at least monthly. Once you try it, you may even find it quite pleasant. If not, do it anyway.

9. Don't sing anymore. You have more money than most people have ever dreamed of having. You had a good run, let's not push it. Your "music" was just studio singers anyway, no one was fooled. Just hang it up and be photographed buying brie and truffles.

10. Stay at home. Whenever you leave your house you either embarrass yourself, drop your child, fall over or get married. It's best just not to do it anymore.

Remember Britney, it's not all over yet. There are still great times to be had. Just have them by yourself, in the privacy of your own home while clean and well shod. And Canadian.