Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Tiger Woods

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, what have you done? Golf's savior has recently been entangled in all that is unholy: the tabloids and the law. While all the details of what happened over Thanksgiving have not been revealed, the media has been more than willing to fill the vacuum that Tiger has purposefully created.

So what do you think Tiger will make his resolution come New Years? Until this brush with the law one might think he has no need for resolutions, but now I think he sees a need to make 2010 the year of the Tiger. Here's my attempt at entering the mind of Tiger Woods. A mind which is all at once elusive and completely consumed by today's comprehensive media.

10. Indefinitely avoid the police until people lose interest.
9. Ignore resolution 10 as people will never lose interest. I'm Tiger Woods.
8. Go on Oprah to set the record straight, even if I lie.
7. Install bumpers on both sides of the driveway. Also, wrap nearby trees in bubble wrap.
6. Hire a 24/7 chauffeur.
5. Buy TMZ and immediately shut it down. Consider it community service.
4. Become friends with Patrick Ewing.
3. Switch Phil Mickelson's golf balls with trick exploding ones. He hates that prank.
2. Give Obama some golfing tips.
1. Win as many majors as possible and continue my quest to become the greatest golfer who has ever lived.

As you can see Tiger is focused on righting his wrong and spreading joy throughout the world. Hopefully next years resolutions will involve more golf-oriented goals and less scandalous missions.