Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Tiger Woods

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. This certainly has not been your year, has it? Forget choking down the stretch at the PGA Championship and losing to previous unknown Y.E. Yang. That you could just argue was a fluke. No, I'm talking about the mother of all auto accidents. It was an accident that did not cause a great deal of physical harm, but one that opened the floodgates to his secret, sordid and, in many ways, sad life.

But 2010 is another year. It's a time to start over, even for the most matrimonially challenged of us. With that in mind, I submit to you the top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Tiger Woods.

10: Endorse a different sort of beverage. Okay, so Gatorade decided to dump Tiger and his "Focus" beverage. Not really surprising, but Tiger's recent behavior opens up a bunch of new opportunities for drink promotion. Just imagine Tiger endorsing a 7-Up special flavor called "Woods-Up" or a beer called "Unfocused".

9: Purchase a voice scrambler. To avoid being identified as "that guy who left the creepy phone message about the fantasy threesome", this would qualify as an essential buy in 2010.

8: Run for governor of South Carolina. Hey, if Mark Sanford can win, why not Tiger?

7: Avoid Jesper Parnevik. Let's face it. Nobody wants to have to start a conversation with a line like, "So, I guess you won't be introducing me to any more hot nannies, eh?"

6: Avoid what will surely be a media circus wherever he goes by dying his hair gray and showing up at all future golf tournaments calling himself "Calvin Peete".

5: Pay his kids to keep being his kids. Maybe it's not such a great strategy for keeping a wife, but I've never known a kid to turn down easy money.

4: Star in his own reality show. It could be called "Tiger and Elin plus 9(mistresses)".

3: Start a recycling program for all the Nike Golf equipment people will be returning. All those golf shoes, clubs, shirts, hats, and balls can be melted down and turned into bullet-proof(or golf club-proof) SUV windows.

2: Show some true class by offering to pose nude for his World Golf Hall of Fame statue.

1: Throw the harsh media spotlight off himself and on to fellow defamed athlete O.J. Simpson by assisting him in tracking down the "Real Killer."

Good luck in 2010, Tiger. At least you've brought some real excitement(albeit unwelcome) into what is arguably one of the world's most boring sports.