Top 5 Things Dog the Bounty Hunter Wants for Christmas

If you've read the news lately you know that Dog The Bounty Hunter, that ebullient mullet-wearing, mace-bearing fashion plate has allegedly called somebody the N-word, starting a nationwide debate and a national emergency.

Never mind the fact that the person he was pursuing was the person he called the N-word, for that wasn't even a good enough excuse for his wife Beth, a balloon-wearing, mace-carrying fashion plate who is now thinking about the D-word.

5. A Taser gun. He's only got mace, although the kind he carries on his person resembles a large gun. I think a Taser would get the job done more efficiently though he would have to wait for the paramedics on every chase.

4. Another locale. Can you imagine this guy in Texas? How about Montana? Or Maine? He might fit right in. For real fun you could send him to Detroit or New Orleans.

3. His show on another channel. If he could move this thing to Showtime or HBO, he could say whatever he wanted and have little room for repercussions. Plus, his wife could show more skin, which would make ratings spike 1 million percent in 1 minute, particularly in the area in which his show is most watched, and that's mobile home communities and biker dens.

2. Anger management courses. If you have ever watched Dog at work, it looks as though the veins on his neck are going to burst out of his head and attack the person he is pursuing, unless they are of the female persuasion.

1. Somebody of the female persuasion. If you have ever watched Dog at work, it looks as though the protrusion in his pants is going to attack the person he is pursuing. And it already has, considering he's been married 18 times and may have a child in every state of the union, including Alaska.I could have wished for two front teeth for the old guy, but he already has a perfectly fine set of veneers.