Top Chef DC Recap Episode 12

The End.

Seriously, I got like, 459 emails asking me why I quit doing Top Chef recaps and it's like, how many ways can I write about 'Brown Mush'? That's ALL THEY MAKE on this show. Hot, steaming piles of brown mush. Even the personalities are steaming piles of mush. Where's our "Spikes" and smug little d-bags like Stephen. Heck, we don't even have the requisite angry Lesbians! Just Angelo. Who's creepy and weird..but not even the kind you can laugh at, you mostly just stare at the TV and say, "Wait a minute...what?"

Like when he earnestly told the judges,"I feel Asian inside 100%. I mean I tingle when I think about it."

The hell?

But I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I...so let's just get started with this recap about a very boring, boring DOA show...

Quick Fire...Slow Fail...

The Chefs had to make a dish that was based on a wine pairing. Again...snoresville. Kevin messed up his pork, so he had to pair it with Quail, which tastes like hot death when paired with Merlot. Even I know that, and mine wine frequently comes out of a box...

Angelo wins...golf claps...and gets a trip to London. Yays.

Padma announces that the Top 4 will compete in Singapore which made Angelo wet himself and utter the quote referenced above.

Elimination Challenge...Space Fail...

So we all pile in our Toyotas and take our Rocket Scientists over to NASA (ha! get it?)

So they get to visit the control room, and that was boring. The chefs got to watch a cliche filled MESS of a video, which reminded me of an old school filmstrip, about being "out of this world" and "shooting for the stars"...gag and a half...

Basically they have to make something that can be freeze dried and eaten...like Tang.

The prep is pretty boring, except Angelo totally TAKING A WOMAN OUT at Whole Foods! Didya see that mess? He just plowed right into that lady and kept going. Oh Angelo...

So they made their foods, and Tommy Boy C. came in and mocked all of them like he loves to do. Tiffany's mussels froze in the fridge, and we all pouted with her at the epic FAIL that was.

Anyhoozer, the next day they all wet themselves again because they're driving over to the NASA kitchen in wait for it...A BRAND NEW CAR! Ferrari? Beemer? Mercedes?

Nope...a Toyota freaking Avalon. Yay! A mom car! With leather!

These kids don't get out much, do they.

The Judging... and Ripert's Agony...

So yays, Buzz Aldrin is there so that's pretty dope. The bitchtastic Anthony Bourdain was there just to needle arch enemy Eric Ripert for sport, and our usual panel of whoever...
Bourdain and Ripert bicker over every single dish for an eternity, and it was fun to watch. Like a couple of old ladies fighting over canned sauerkraut at the super market.

Obviously Angelo was crowned the winner, and someone else would get sent to the Guillotine. Tommy Boy C was like, "were splitting hairs over how had the best brown mush, because all the brown mush was sooo good!"

Dude, it's still brown mush. Angelo's dish was straight up brown mush with a beige garnish.

And finally, Tiffany was executed for her crimes against humanity and having the least tasty brown mush. Personally I would've preferred Kenny to go home since he basically grilled a steak and called it a day, but no one listens to me. If they did, this show might actually be interesting.

So that's it for now. Next week Angelo gets all tingly as we head to Singapore for the final.

Aren't you glad I'm recapping this show again? Spreading my joy everywhere I go?