Top Five Gifts for Your Baby's Mom

Having a hard time thinking of a good gift for your "baby's mom," maybe something that says, "I love you, but I don't want any other man to", or maybe just "I don't want any other man to;" something like that? Well, here are five gifts that say just that, and better yet, without her knowing it. Have them gift-wrapped and write a nice card and she'll never suspect a thing. Happy Holidays!

5. Garlic necklace: You want to keep men away from her, so this is a great idea. Women love necklaces, and she'll never suspect you for your ulterior motives. You might want to paint the garlic a neutral color, though, so it can go with everything she wears.

4. Walkie Talkie: This is for her and your child, that way when she's out at the bar looking for guys, your child can talk to her and not only keep her occupied and irritated, it is also a sure fire way to keep the men away. Once they hear her child's voice on the other end of it, they'll stay away. You might want to have hers attached to a nice, gold or platinum chain, that way she's sure to wear it. As much as she doesn't want to bring it, she won't be able to resist wearing the jewelry. And make sure it's a high-powered radio, in the event that she goes farther than the local bar.

3. Sailboat or motorboat: I know, I know, boats are expensive. But here's the thing: take a lot of insurance on it. She'll get lessons on how to drive it, but they won't help. When she thinks she's ready to take it out she'll call all of her girlfriends. They will put bikinis on and get a case of wine coolers. By midday they will be drunk and she will surely crash the boat. You'll get most of the money back and she'll have a broken leg. She won't be going out for a long time. And she might even call you to help them out, in which case you'll get to spend your afternoon with a bunch of intoxicated girls in bikinis.

2. Lifetime supply of See's Candies: You'll want them delivered to her weekly, in case she has a busy schedule or is too lazy to go pick them up. She will see this is a very thoughtful gesture and will love the chocolates. The beauty of it is, with the chocolate coming weekly, she knows she can eat and eat and they will keep coming-and so, then, will the pounds. After a month or two she will have put on plenty of extra weight, so she'll be too depressed to want to go out and meet guys, and so she'll keep eating. Before you know it, no man will take her. And that's exactly what you want.

1. Chastity belt: Make this nice, specially made by a reputable or trendy designer would be best. Again, as much as she doesn't necessarily want to wear it, she won't be able to keep off an original Tiffany & Co. chastity belt.

PS: These are not serious gift ideas, of course. If you can seriously afford to buy her a sailboat and she lives near the ocean, I suppose that's not a bad idea. And chocolates are not a bad idea, either, but they are not unique or special. And as much as you might not want or need to impress her anymore, it is important to remain on good terms; for your sake and your child's sake. Anything from Tiffany & Co. really is a good gift idea, if you can afford that.