Top Five Things You Never Say to a Waiter in a Restaurant

For ten long years I waited on the public in one of the most visited tourist spots in the world. I have seen and heard enough at these restaurants to write a book. Just remember this article the next time you enter a restaurant, because you never know how a waiter can retaliate!

Disclaimer: This article is written on the assumption that you have a competent and pleasant waiter.

1. I'm a really good tipper

No you're not. I have waited on thousands and thousands of people from all over the world, and every time I hear that phrase I cringe. Because not one person who has ever told me that has tipped me well. Plus, why do you feel the need to tell a waiter this? Are you trying to blackmail us into giving you good service? We'll do that anyway. Stay away from telling your future waiter this lie.

2. Don't you know who I am?

No, I don't. And I don't care, either. All a waiter asks for is a little respect (if they deserve it, of course) and some common courtesy when you enter the restaurant. By the way, if you were so well known, you wouldn't have to ask that question, would you? A truly famous or powerful person will never have to ask their waiter this question.

3. Do you know how much money I have?

Your waiter does not care how much money you make or you're about to make. All they care about is how much of a tip you leave. For some reason I was constantly asked this question. I would always smile and laugh it off. But I had a secret. I guarantee that over half of the waiters you come into contact with make more money than you do. Perhaps much more if they are in a popular restaurant or area. Surprising, but true. Unfortunately it can be a very stressful job.

4. They're just playing!

Control your children! I repeat, control your children! I am not a nanny. Do you seriously thinks it's okay to let your little ones run wild through a restaurant where there are burning plates set atop unsteady trays carried by rushed waiters? Oh, that's right - because when your precious darling gets burned, you'll turn around and sue the restaurant. There are other people in the restaurant who are there to enjoy themselves, not to get hit in the head with crayons. I'm sure your children don't act like that at home. Ripping apart the sugar packets is a big no-no, parents! There is a simple solution that I employ myself. Whenever you notice your child is about to let loose, take him outside for a little while. But whatever you do, don't tell your waiter they are just playing. It's parents like you that make me think you should have a license to have children.

5. I don't have enough money for a tip.

It's called planning ahead. It's so simple. Skip the appetizer or desert to leave a tip for your waiter. Or better yet, go to a fast food place, not a restaurant. Believe me, we remember you!

I could go on and on about the crazy things I've heard, but I wrote this article for one reason. Though I have never sought revenge for one of the above remarks, there is a waiter out there that will. Why cause undue stress? Kindness goes a long way.