Top Five Things Not to Say to Someone After a Miscarriage

You may never have experienced the loss of a baby, but you probably know someone who has. This experience is truly something that is very difficult to fully understand until you have actually gone through it. Your careless remarks can add so much pain to someone who is already hurting deeply. Here are the top five things not to say after a Miscarriage.

1. It Was For the Best

While this may be true, the grieving parents do not feel like hearing this. Do not tell them that something was probably wrong with the unborn baby and that this is a blessing. At this time, the parents would be glad to have the baby even if it had two heads. This is not the time to say this.

2. You Already Have Other Children

So what? This is the most stupid remark that you can make to someone who just lost a baby that was an individual child to them. There is no two child limit in this country. Some incredibly nosy people like to insinuate that you could not afford any more children anyway. Wow, the nerve!

3. You Weren't That Far Along

Oh, how uncaring this remark feels to someone who is grieving the loss of a child through miscarriage. It puts them on the defensive to have to prove that they have something to grieve about when what they really need is validation. It is important that the parents, both of them, feel that it is ok to grieve.

When you infer that the pregnancy was not really a baby, you are sticking a knife in their heart. This loss may seem inconsequential to you, but this baby was already a part of their lives. The mother may have felt the baby move already.

4. What Did You Do With the Baby?

This is such a sensitive and difficult area for the grieving parents. There is a point where burial or cremation is required by law. Often, parents want a burial service whether it is required or not.

If they have an option, parents will sometimes choose not to have a burial due to financial hardship from the medical bills associated with the pregnancy. They may feel quite guilty about not having a funeral service, and your questions will upset them.

A well-meaning grandparent remarked to my older children that we would just flush it down the toilet after I passed it. I was five months pregnant. Don't ask. If there was a funeral service, obviously you were not invited. If there was not, it is none of your business.

5. Are You Pregnant?

After you lose a baby, you do not lose the weight like you do when you have a live birth. A woman can look pregnant for quite a long time. There is nothing more painful than shopping along in Walmart when someone asks you if you are pregnant or when your baby is due. It is inevitable, but it is so difficult.

If you aren't sure, don't ask.

Final Thoughts

A miscarriage can encompass a pregnancy at various stages of development. It is important to realize that grief does not respect a calendar. Even the animal kingdom grieves the loss of their young. Allow people to grieve, but don't say stupid things that cause them more grief.