Top Five Worst Things in the World

For those of you expecting a snappy introduction to this article, I'm sorry. Perhaps you'll agree with what you're about to read. Perhaps not. I don't really care. The only thing I know is that these things suck. They may not be the top five tomorrow, but they are today. Oh, one more thing. If I offend you because these issues are something that concern you, please know that I could care less about that as well. In fact, I'll make that number six. Here we go:

Celebrity News- This is just perplexing. Why should I care that Brad Pitt and Angelina adopted another kid? Who cares if Anna Nicole Smith died of a drug overdose? If these are our top concerns, then I feel very afraid for our nation. Thousands of people adopt kids every month and no one cares. In fact, we should be wondering why it is so hard for a loving couple who can't have kids on their own to succeed in the adoption business. A chick with big breasts and a whiny voice gets famous because she can take her clothes off in front of a camera and push those breasts together. This is why women continue to be degraded in society. Oh, and that "she was an icon" argument is ridiculous. Guess what? I want to be thought of as the next Michael Jordan. If I put on his jersey and shoot hoops all day, will anyone think that the next MJ has arrived? No. They'll realize that I'm a 24-year-old hack who can't break eight inches on his vertical leap and consistently shoots 13-percent from the field. (Defensively, though, I'm a force). Dressing like Marilyn Monroe, putting on red lipstick, and standing above a street vent does not make you Marilyn Monroe. Come to think of it, nor does getting fat, taking drugs, and sleeping with everything that moves do it for you either. (Okay, maybe the last two would). If Katie Holmes is too stupid to realize that she can just divorce Tom "I Must Be God" Cruise, then she deserves her fate. Perhaps she realizes that the longer she stays with him, the longer everyone will keep her in the spotlight and forget that she blows at acting. Why does anyone care? Could it be because we'd rather live vicariously through them instead of trying to make our own lives meaningful? Naaahhh.

Our need for personal attention/sympathy- This ties in with the first. So we don't look incredible every second of every day. Must we go tanning, buy $100 jeans, and treat ourselves to facials and spa sessions. This goes for guys as well. Trust me, life can still be fulfilling if we don't resemble Matt Damon or Jennifer Aniston. I have red hair, freckles, and my legs and chest stay bone-white no matter how many days of summer they see. Strangely, though, my arms tan really well. Unfortunately, that only makes me look weirder. These are all reasons why I don't send in my head shot to every ad agency and talent company on the planet. I have realized (gasp!) that I can still lead a pretty nice lifestyle, regardless. It's also quite a bit cheaper. "But, Chim," you say, "I'm not like that." Perhaps not, but you're still probably one of those lazy freaks that never exerts enough energy to advance yourself in life and then complains to anyone who will listen about how tough it is out there. Grow up. No one cares about you except some family members and a small group of your friends. Why should they? If you're really that concerned about the lack of attention or sympathy you're getting, do something worth everyone's time.

Our voter turnout and subsequent bitching about the results Seriously, when was the last time that someone complained to you about this or that politician and actually voted? The next time that someone goes on a political rant, ask them if they voted. This gets really fun in the more local elections. If you don't like something, you can change it. That's the beauty of our political system. Most people tell me that they don't know all the issues and, therefore, don't know which candidate deserves their vote. I'll admit it, it's tough. Those damned newspapers, TVs, computers, and radios are so hard to operate, and rarely do they provide anything about politics. I'm kidding, of course. (Except in Milwaukee, where someone with tremendous power has decided that radio air time will be devoted exclusively to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.) Any excuse about not knowing the issues and where politicians stand is as strong as Clay Aiken is straight. Ironically, nobody has trouble voting for sub-par singers or D-list celebrities that suddenly learn how to dance. Does Taylor Hicks decide our nation's budgetary needs or run the local police force. Apparently he should, because America voted for him like he was the returning Messiah.

Stupid athletes - Come on, now. You're telling me that someone has elevated you to hero status in the eyes of children and adults, thrown wads of cash at you just for playing a game, and devotes endless media space to your pulled hamstring and you can't lay off the blow or stop beating your girlfriend at least until your career ends? I don't buy it. Oh wait, you say, I don't understand the pressure of being young, rich, and famous. You're probably correct. I'm sure it's not always as glamorous as it seems. Here's the kicker. Hundreds of athletes deal with the same stardom and handle it just fine. In fact, you never hear about them outside of their respective sports. It's sad that we give them that much money to them to run around a field each week. Let's not cut them slack when they repeatedly show that the only uniform they're worthy of is an orange jumpsuit. Take a cue from baseball. Three strikes? You're out.

Weather Reports- Yeah, I know. This fits awkwardly with the other four, but it's still annoying. When I watch the morning news (which in itself is worthless, but that's fodder for another day) I see at least three weather reports every half hour. That makes a weather update every ten minutes. What the hell has possibly happened in ten minutes that looking outside my window wouldn't have revealed? I leave the TV and get updates in the car. I leave the car and get up-to-the-minute reports on the preset homepages on the computers on campus or at work. You can't escape it. What's really amazing is that the coverage doesn't change when its 70-degrees and sunny. If a hurricane suddenly develops outside my apartment, fine. Let me know. If your five different Doppler radar machines are not picking up a single cloud on their constant sweeps, I don't need to hear about it. When it does happen to rain, don't over-dramatize it. Not every snowfall needs a fear-inducing title, like "Winter Blast 2007." By the way, I have seen snow before. I have driven in snow before. I don't need eyewitness reports of what it's like to see snow or drive in it. What a waste of time, money, and life. The funniest part about it is the hundreds of journalism students that graduate each year thinking they'll get to report "news that matters." Good luck. I hope you can master reporting "from the scene" when the first jackass drives into the ditch.

Readers offended by this story- As promised, I gave you six at no extra cost. If you are following the latest Anna Nicole news, bitching about the Bush administration, voting for whoever the hell is on American Idol, debating whether the NFL has finally eradicated its player problems, or wetting yourself because the newscasters just reported that light rain was spotted 75 miles west of you and is headed in your direction, then you are probably offended. Good. Cry in your pillow, send condolences to Larry Birkhead, or starve yourself until some crappy singer wins joins the unending list of people who will never matter. I'm sure it will help. While you're at it, fry your insides in a tanning bed, post some moronic quotes about life on your myspace page, and realize that at the rate you're going, the only people who will ever care about you are the editors at In Touch, Star, and US Weekly.