Top News Stories of 2010

2010 will be a year when Tiger Woods, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Beyonce Knowles, and American Idol disappear from the news. 2010 will see peace break out everywhere, and 2010 will be the year E.T. finally makes contact. The first human to greet this mysterious starman will be David Bowie.

In 2010, global warming will affect just the rich and selfish and not Third World countries. Sarah Palin will become a vegan and break down on national television and apologize for a lifetime of cruelty towards animals.

There will be conclusive proof in 2010 that ghosts really exist, and people everywhere will have a spiritual awakening. People will give up the worship of material things and celebrities and swap it for love. Banks will become kinder, and billionaires and millionaires will give away most of their money.

The year 2010 will show Barack Obama as a great man and President and not just a great orator, as he 'fixes' Afghanistan through peaceful means. 2010 will be the year the Taliban begin to respect women, and the year Al-Qaeda respect human life.

Also in 2010, people will properly learn to respect the Earth, as an asteroid just misses our world and concentrates the minds of human beings. The actor Morgan Freeman's appeal for calm seems to miraculously make the asteroid veer away from us.

An African nation will win the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, and The Black Eyed Peas will top the Billboard charts for 40 weeks with an anti-KFC song. The film of the year will be E.T. Comes Home. J.K. Rowling will bring back Harry Potter in the biggest selling book of 2010, Harry Potter: Vampire Wizard Singer Idol. The top TV show of 2010 will be The Griffsons - an animation about a dysfunctional tapir family living in Des Moines.

2010 will see Mick Jagger quitting The Rolling Stones to become a sex counselor, George W. Bush getting a geography degree, and 50 Cent not getting into any trouble. This year will also see P!nk and George Clooney have a surprise Billboard hit with ****, Good People Can Win. Another surprise in 2010 will see Madonna finally act her age.

The mysterious extraterrestrial will finally be revealed on The Jay Leno Show, with an introduction of: "He turned water into wine, and he's taken 2,000 years to get here..." And, yes, this starman will REALLY blow our minds...*

* Paraphrased from David Bowie's 1972 song, Starman.